Someone very close to me asked me had I ever loved someone with a drug problem and yes I have.

 I’ll never forget walking into the bathroom and seeing my grandpa with a belt tied around his arm and a spoon and syringes on the counter. You ever call your grandpa to check up on him and he’s so gone he doesn’t even know who you are? Has your grandpa ever asked you for money and you have to tell him no or offer to buy him what he needs and he talk shit to you telling you how bad of a grandchild you are? Go sit on your grandpa’s couch, find his pipe, throw it away and watch him punch your aunt in the face when he finds out its missing. Do you know how many nights I’ve lost sleep worrying about him? How many times I was on the bus, riding around San Diego looking for him? All the hospitals, jails, and morgues I’ve called. Phone calls from hospitals after he’s been found beat up? Stitches after having his head bust open, beatings from police and gangs. Let me see you love someone with a drug problem and just have to accept the fact that they may never get to the point of wanting help and brace yourself for that phone call no one wants to happen. You know how much it hurts to have to think someone you love would be better off dead and actually want that for them? DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO LOVE SOMEONE WITH A FUCKIN DRUG PROBLEM?

I’ve been dealing with that since 4 and now I have to go through it AGAIN. It’s worse with my friend because we have a different relationship than my grandfather and I. This friend can get mad and not think twice about getting physical with me. He’s choked me before while looking me in my eyes, I doubt he felt guilty about it. I’ve told myself that if he wasn’t on drugs he wouldn’t have done that, he loves me. When he’s losing his mind, paranoid, and thinks everyone’s out to get him, he calls me. I hate those suicidal phone calls, feeling alone and like no one loves him because I love him.

Tonight for the last time I offered to get him help, but he didn’t want it. I already see from his behavior this Is the beginning of another episode and for my own safety and safety of my kids, I’m just going to pray about it. Me losing sleep at home is better than losing sleep from fighting with him. Worrying about him is better than being afraid of him. Missing and loving him from a distance is better than resenting and hating him when we’re together. I promised him I’ll always be here, and I will just not while he’s falling. When all else fails and he hits rock bottom I’ll be there to pick him up and help him get back on top and be the person he used to be. The person I used to look up to, my protector, my best friend. I don’t want to get that phone call. I’ll lose MY mind; my heart can’t take it. I don’t like feeling helpless, I know where this is going and I wish he would have let me help him but what can I do? I’ll just focus on being a mommy and better myself. I want him in my life, and I’ll always love him. I want nothing but the best for him. I know he’s trying but he needs to try harder. I don’t think he’s a bad person but when he’s on that shit he’s not the person he thinks he is. He’s hurting everyone that loves him. We just want him to get better. He has a son out there who needs him. He has 2 more coming that need him. I need him. I hope he knows that…. 

Published by ShylahBoss Lee