I was wandering in the rain... 

 

No, I wasn't. I was driving and wondering why I have the tendency to always fall for this certain type of people, the type of women that are so ambiguous in everything they do or say. The weird kind of heterosexuals that are so queer-like and make my head whirl. The kind of women that have never been in a relationship with a man, but have surrendered to normality so we don't see them think much. The kind of women who don't know much about the existence of the LGBT+ world. I am fearful of repeating the same mistake again, but I cannot seem to stop myself or explain to myself that what I'm headed towards is the wrong way, I'm not going to get anything out of it. I feel so happy and excited around her that I have, unfortunately, convinced myself that it is worth it. I have no idea if it is or what to expect of the relationship I have with this woman right now, but it sure it beautiful. It's so fulfilling that my loneliness almost found a cure. 

The satisfaction when I catch her looking, the rush when I make excuses to hold her hand and she squeezes it, the bliss when she hides her face every time I look at her for long, all this is unexplainably wonderful and I would love for it to go on like that. There are times when I feel like just jumping to the point and kissing her or telling her something, but I feel like it might be the worst mistake ever. It's like risking everything because the outcome is always unexpected and no predictions match up to it. I'd know.

It may be a mistake to encourage my feelings like that because I know it, I know it in my heart and mind, all too well that they are going to be so hurt and so rejected. It may be a mistake, it may be wrong, but is most certainly is keeping me happy and going for now. So, I think I'm going to go with what makes me happy, temporarily or permanently.

Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll find someone who will feel for me the way I feel for those who did and will leave me alone, in the middle of nowhere, to suffer. 

Published by Zainab Kousar