I have always been a weird person to be around with. and I am quite sure of it now, that I'll always remain so. I have a long list of all these wonderful people that loves me and have in some ways many times volunteered to provide me that physical and emotional space that I yearned for in this span of two and a half years. but as much as I could be grateful about the fact, I feel I have either pushed them away subconsciously or I simply being the person that I am, never acknowledged it. not that I didn't care or thought of them in a certain way but I have always been that way, apprehensive and difficult to be around. 90% of my behavior is dictated unanimously by my tempestuous moods and as much as I try to change it, I come back to being the exact same person.

 

if there are days when people annoys me incessantly with their heights of irrationality on issues, there are also days when I see in them things and learn from them. I don't know how it started or how I will ever be able to explain it but since a very long long time now I haven't stopped feeling how every single person is teaching me something in some way, whether it be in person or through texts or words or just how they simply be by themselves. if anything, what people know about me is that I hardly interact with the world or hang out with anyone but every single time that I've come out, watched people, passed them by, or texted them, I've felt in a certain way that maybe they were teaching me something. and these people are not just friends or mere acquaintances or family, they consist of strangers that I see in restaurants, waiters, shopkeepers, rickshawwalla's, and others.

when I used to angry text someone and they texted me back in a certain manner despite how stupidly I behaved, it would kick me in my face and I would think to myself, maybe the way some person react to my anger is what they are trying to tell me, to tell me that it's not always about me and it doesn't necessarily have to be and anger isn't the means to communicate with others, that's not how you behave. when a complete stranger once came forward with all of his remaining changes I needed to pay my fare, I thought maybe it was a sign directed towards me teaching me to be kind and that every person that I otherwise would judge might not help, could surprise me the most. how a friend of my behaves and is around other people and her friends makes me feel like maybe she's teaching me how to make friends and how to keep them. when I am randomly talking to someone I recently met, something they say that I have always thought differently about makes me question the fact and I yet believe there's something that s/he was trying to teach me. I think, with me no act ever goes unnoticed and everything that anybody is doing or saying subconsciously around me, even in their absence, I feel it's directed into teaching me something.

these past days have been giving me so much to learn, as how to be more gentler and what it is to be reliving after every virtual death. the fact that people are all how they are so beautifully different is magnificent and how every single one of them inspires you constantly in their own way is unbelievable. if you ever look closely enough, you'll realise how everything, everybody, every little detail is every single second teaching and giving you something to grow into.

all you ever need to do is to keep your mind open, let it ask questions, and keep it open for opinions, lots and lots of it!