​Most people would expect you to feel guilty after ending a two and half year relationship. Maybe I should, maybe it's not normal and I'm just a time waster. But what if life isn't short? What if it's actually very long and we are just told to take things fast to keep us distracted?

There are many reasons as to why I don't feel guilty, but there is one main reason. I want to find myself. I know everyone says this. 'I want to find myself and concentrate on just me' 9and yes this is a cliché) but isn't there some truth in it all? I want to make more mistakes and let them shape me as a person. I want to be myself and not have to worry about what someone else would say or think about me. Because even if you love someone unconditionally you still judge them. That's what comes with young love. You grow up together and do things that can be judged and little parts of yourself change your look on that person. It's horrible and hurts, but it's what happens when you meet someone young and you both grow and start to change.

That's what happened to me. We met at 17, we both were in sixth form and thought we wanted the same things. So naive. As we grew we realised we wanted different things, I wanted to travel and he wanted to settle down. I wanted to live abroad and he wanted to stay with what he knew. I wanted to live life I'm the moment but he wanted to plan our life out. 

I'm no saying I didn't have fun. It was the best two years of my life to date. We went on holiday together, we went to festivals, we went clubbing. We did things all couples do and I loved him. I did. But as time went on, the spark left and it made me feel empty. I don't like feeling empty. But who does?

We both went into our first year at university and all of our other couple friends were breaking up, but not us. No, no. We were strong, we knew we wanted to be together 'forever'.

That word. 'Forever'. It can be quite daunting, can't it? It means so much but can be destroyed so quickly. "I'll love you forever", but then that person leaves - whether it's death or just leaving your life. 'Forever' doesn't truly exist. I've never seen 'forever' - and I don't know if I ever will. But I'm hopeful, sometimes. 

I thought I had forever once. But have you ever had to mourn someone who is still alive? Someone who just left with no good reason and you had to watch them slowly walk out of your life and you know there is nothing you can do. If you can survive that then I'm sure you can survive anything. Cause I did. I watched the first boy I ever loved, walk away, with someone else. There was no reason, there was no 'sorry'. There was only my emotions left behind and the memories of what I thought was a healthy and normal relationship. He was older, and took advantage of my naiveness and love truly made me blind. Blind to all the manipulative things that he done. Blind to his cheating and blind to his lies. 

​But now I look back and think, is this what I've just done? Left without a true reason? Left without saying sorry? Have I become the person I always swore I never wanted to become? Is this now who I am?

Who knows. And at the moment, I don't really care. 

I don't feel guilty. 

 

Published by Molly Anderson