I write from my heart as I am a passionate person; I am passionate about my writing, my relationships, and my friends. This means that when I am hurt, it cuts me deep and I can't help but express my feelings through my words. It is what I do; it is who I am. So when my best friend did me wrong this summer, I was devastated. We did everything together. We were best friends, we jokingly called each other wifey as we were both single and we figured we'd never find the right guys. When I tell you this hurt me more than a man could ever hurt me, it really did.

 

I am a friend until the end, the ride or die kind of friend. I will do anything for my friends and to me, my friends are the family I choose for myself. When I was betrayed by her, that oh so special best friend of mine, it was more than I could handle.  I wrote about it; I was angry and hurt so I wanted to hurt her back. Is it Christian? No... but it was human and I am human. My words were filled with the hatred so my blog spilled over with bitterness and yet I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't get over the fact that she could do this to me and so I wrote as if I was talking to her.

 

I look back now and realize that it was not me talking; it was the pain and anger speaking for me. It was something that overcame my good sense (not that I have much of that to begin with). As time went on I realized that I had to forgive her. It was for me and not for her, as the pain was eating me up alive. I had to let it go and the only way to do this was to forgive her. However, before I could do it, I needed to go through the steps of grieving. I was grieving the loss of a best friend and I needed to go through the five stages which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

 

Yes, I went through denial. This wasn't as it seemed it was. It felt like it was a mistake because she could never do this to me.

 

I went through anger. Oh boy, was that a long one for me to get through! Really long... You can read my blogs from then; there was a lot of anger. I was really pissed!

 

I went through bargaining. I said to God maybe if she admitted she was wrong or if she gave me back my money... if... if... if...

 

I went through depression. I lost my best friend, I lost my money, and I had no air conditioning. How could I be so stupid? Why did this happen? Haven't I had enough hurt in my life?

 

It is when I got to the acceptance stage that I understood the meaning of "it is what it is". I no longer have her as a best friend. I am never getting my money back. I know she was messed up and it was the drugs that made her do this as well as the fact that it wasn't just me she hurt. There were others including her children and her family. All of us were hurt by her actions. I realized that my friend wouldn't have done this. This was someone else who needed help and prayers and so that's what I started doing. I forgave her and I started praying for her.

 

I know it's hard for a lot of you to grasp this but I had to do this to move on, so I could let go of the bitterness and anger I felt. I didn't come this far on my journey to have anger poison my thoughts or to have bitterness take away my peace. No, I needed to figure out the lesson I needed to learn and move on. The lesson was not that everyone is here for the whole ride. Quite the opposite, it was about how sometimes God closes doors for a reason and that you should never give what you can't afford to lose. These were the lessons I've learned and I am grateful for them even though they hurt like hell.

 

I miss her. I look at photos and she's in all of them. I pick up the phone to tell her something and realize we dont have our daily morning talks anymore. I see things on Facebook and want to tag her and laugh with her but she is no longer there and it hurts my soul. However, I know this is where the both of us need to be now in our lives and I pray she is okay and want her to know I forgive her... So today my friends, do let go of the bitterness and anger. Forgive and learn the lesson. Pray for the person and know that everything happens for a reason.

 

"Be the change you want to see"
  
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life was over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

 

***Now available***
My new book The blessing in Disguise 
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