I feel like the character Antwone Fisher. Even though he's a real person I can only imagine the character and the real person are not exactly the same. The guy from the movie has anger issues and feels like a part of him is missing. He uses books and his writings and art to help make sense of things in his life and to help him feel better. Never before in my life did I feel like I was the type of person who might benefit from seeing a counselor or a psychologist until now. But the only reason those people are still in business is because they need their clients to keep coming back. They can't really fix anything. Even if I only got three free sessions I know it wouldn't fix me. The difficult conversations may reveal something just for the fact that they are actually listening, but only we can fix ourselves.

 

I feel like Antwone Fisher, but instead of using my fists I want to use my words. I want to hurt people through telling them things they don't want to hear. Things that I feel like need to be said to cut them down another peg whether for the better or not. I know it's not right but sometimes it's the only way that people learn.

 

In the movie Fisher is homeless and has no family. He joins the Navy because he has nowhere to go and nowhere to stay. While I do have a place to live it doesn't feel like a home to me. The only place that has felt like a home to me has been me on the road in a car. A car is freedom and a car is endless opportunities. At least that's the way that I view it. I have a family but other than my mother nobody ever reaches out to me. It's typically me who has to put in the effort. Friends are the same way. If I'm not trying to hold the pieces together I know it'll just fall apart.

 

My mother and my father divorced some time while I was in high school, but the relationship had been over for as long as I remember. We were just so poor and my parents so stubborn that nobody ever left the house. Instead I got to lay in bed and listen to them argue and fight. I got to see them slowly turn into colder and harder people. I got to see my father attempt chances of intimacy with my mother by trying to hug her and hold her hand only to be scolded and rebuffed. It's no wonder I'm so fucked up and so afraid of women. The simplest gesture of holding a woman's hand is like stepping on the moon for the first time. I'm so afraid of offending her or insulting her, when really she probably thinks I just don't care.

 

I was never raised in a family where hugging and touching was the common thing. I've tried for years to be more touchy because I know sometimes there's nothing that can really be said to make someone feel better. Sometimes you just have to be the one person who is there. The person who puts their hand on someone's back and rubs it or the person who holds their hand in times of sadness. Just that simple touch shows that person that you care and that's all that matters. Words can't solve everything, little actions of comfort can.

 

In the movie, Fisher battles dating and intimacy with women. I know it stems from a lot of things but the major reason is that he was sexually abused as a child. In a way he was being forced to feel intimacy with a woman he didn't want to and it scarred him for the rest of his life. While I'm not afraid of intimacy I'm afraid of trust. I think my moment happened when I really liked this girl in 8th grade and into high school. I didn't really know what to do about it so we just were stuck in limbo. I had a major surgery and was fighting like hell to get back into physical shape to play baseball. We became a little distant. Then after a few weeks into high school all the sudden she's dating some guy and having sex. I felt so betrayed. I couldn't find the courage to kiss her and yet she had the courage to have sex with some guy. I wondered if she ever really liked me as much as I liked her. For her to just move on to the next guy so fast and give up a part of her that quick.

 

It sounds so childish to be upset over an ex flame almost a life time ago but that's just where it started. The seed of doubt was planted. For years I went on to hear stories from women who I had been friends with or knew somehow and saw first hand how they were talking with guys behind their boyfriends backs. How they would manipulate their boyfriends into becoming jealous by using some random guy for attention. Or worse yet would just hide this relationship from their boyfriends entirely. I was this guy several times and didn't even know she had a boyfriend until I sensed something was off. It hurt me more than I can even imagine. Girls can be great liars and great manipulators when they want to be. They learn early in life that by acting in distress their daddies will run to make them feel better.

 

For year I've seen people in relationships that are one-sided. Where one person obviously cares more for the other. Where one person is only in the relationship just to be with someone and not be alone. I always thought it was better to just be alone then. But I guess my needs are different from the majority of men and women who continue to stay with people just so they aren't alone. Maybe it's for sex or maybe it's for the companionship. Maybe it's just the fear of not liking themselves and being alone to think about it. I've just always been under the impression to be forward with your intentions in a relationship. That to truly be happy in a relationship you need to be happy with yourself first. You don't use a person or a relationship as a crutch until you're finally ready.

 

I think if it wasn't for one special girl in college who showed me true kindness and grace to my situation I think I'd be even more confused and angry when it comes to relationships. She was sweet and sensitive to my issues. Even though I knew it was never going to work in the long run I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved. I wanted to be the person she saw in me. I did actually trust her and it felt amazing. It helped that we were friends first. It also helped that she knew how sensitive I was and she knew not to rush me into anything. When forced to do anything I'm not ready for I'm just going to rebel. I'm just going to isolate myself. She was also forward with me about what she liked and didn't like. I respected her as a person and as an adult. I think she also understood I had a lot of doubts in people and would answer all my questions to make me feel better.

 

I'm just not sure I'm going to meet another woman like that again. That my questions will turn into answers. That my insecurities just need time. That my wounds are still fresh no matter how long time has passed and I just want you to give me comfort instead of trying to fix me. I get it. I'm broken. I'm in a state of repair. I just don't know if this is a problem that will ever be fixed. I've learned that actions are truer than words, but even actions sometimes have hidden meanings and motives.

Published by Brian Argetsinger