Skander never liked me.

That realization hit me like a hammer continuously hitting a nail. It was only that Sunday morning that I completely saw it. I ignored every hints of you. I feel stupid for ignoring these. Your hints were pretty clear. Why do I keep myself be part of this situation again? I still continue to wonder what made you like her more because honestly she was never really there for you like I was when you needed someone.

You are just like the guy I liked during 5th grade. This is just like 5th grade. Even the way you look at me is similar to the way Malcolm used to looked at me; but with Malcolm everything just ended easily. Whatever it is that is happening between us is something that I never wanted to end. The sickest part was... there was never really us to begin with.

You kissed me like you kiss her.

You hold me the way you hold her.

You share your secrets to both me and her.

And you continue to gaze at me even when we're close to her.

That's how things got fucked up because of these things your doing to me. Its hard not to thing about you when you're constantly smiling at me. So yes, if you asked me why I'm always with you its because you keep leading me on. And I was an idiot for falling for that because apparently I'm not the only victim here. Your best friend told me that. He told me that you missed her and you needed someone to distract you. So you kept on finding girls and we kept on falling for you. I like to think that what your best friend said was a lie. Even after knowing that, I still continue to find reasons to like you.

I thought you were worth it. I change myself hoping that finally you'll like me. I started to force myself to like the things that you like. I started to drink, smoke and even attended your soccer games. I'm not much of a soccer fan, sports have always been not my thing but ever since I met you I find myself watching soccer games on TV with my brother.

I'm slowly fading at the thought of you and me together.

This is mainly because I wanted us to have a normal conversation. I wanted you to think of me as cool and laid back. But those first few normal conversation started to fade when suddenly you kissed me when we were inside your car.

I was driving that time because you had a few shots that night. When you kissed me there was a moment I thought that this was true, that tomorrow you'll finally asked me out properly, that you'd be the first one to text and that you'll come to me because  you wanted to see me and not my brother but then I woke up when I tasted the ginger ale in your mouth. Tears were starting to drip down my cheeks, you were too drunk to notice this.

You kissed me because you missed her.

You kissed me because you thought I was her.

You kissed me because you wanted me to be her.

I continued to kiss you and my heart continues to shatter. When we pulled back, you didn't even bother to look back at me. You looked away and leaned your head on the car window. At that moment, I wish I was drunk too because what I did wasn't me at all. I felt like drowning, I felt like everything around me is slowly dying. The next day, you didn't even remember that we kissed that night, you didn't remember that for a split second you murmured her name.

We still continue to talk, you still continue to playfully kiss me when you're drunk, and you still continue to hangout with my brother. You didn't even care that you're hurting her by kissing me.

You never said you like me but yet you kissed me. And maybe that's why I still hang on to you. I still let you hold me because I like feeling your lips near me. I knew at some point that this will end, I knew at some point you'll have to choose between me and her. I don't even need to ask who you'll choose. I know without any hesitation that you'll choose her. You may have been a dick for doing this to me but you never intended to be one. You still love her and you'll choose her.

It took me some time to accept this but finally after recalling back to what you did to me. I'm finally accepting it. I can't wait to finally feel nothing when I'm with you. I can't wait to the day that we'll just wave at each other in the hallway, no talking, no touching, just a simple wave because it's so much better to not be near you.

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Published by Renzel Pongase