I suffer a mental illness called Major Depressive Disorder. No, I did not made that up. No, I did not diagnose myself with that. And no, I am not doing this just for attention.

I was diagnosed with this illness on February 2016 by a university psychiatrist. Before that, I already knew that something was wrong with me. I’ve been feeling pain and thoughts of worthlessness ever since I was little. I don’t know why. I never knew why. After being diagnosed, I took some medication that was prescribed to me. But it didn’t last. I eventually stopped because I couldn’t back it up with therapy sessions. Time and schedule stuff.

Although I already knew even before the doctor told me this, I couldn’t help but still be in denial. I wanted the doctor to take back her words. But it was already laid on the table. And she couldn’t take it back. I felt like my world crumbled. I didn’t know who to talk to. I didn’t know what to think about or feel. I couldn’t just tell this to anyone because I know that many people still don’t understand this type of suffering. They’ll say that it’s all n the mind. That I should just stop thinking about sad things. But it’s not like that. It’s never like that.

Then she came for me. The love of my life. The one who loved me and still loving me even if I couldn’t put my finger into the concept of loving myself. She was there for me even if she couldn’t fully understand what’s really happening to me. She loved me, and I fell for her.

It hurts me so much that most of the time, our arguments and misunderstandings are because of me. Because of my stupid disorder. It was hard in the first months of our relationship because I’d cry every now and then without even any reason. Sometimes I tell her that I can’t live anymore. That I’ve given up on life. She’d cry. And that image of her crying gives me so much pain that it breaks me. But she’d hold me, and tell me that it’s okay and she loves me. And everything is okay.

We’d been in rough times that I almost gave up. Because I can’t stand her being hurt so much by me. I didn’t like any bit of it. She’d feel really bad that she wanted to just slip away. And it hurt. But after those storms, she’ll still say that she loves me. And it assures me. I’d say that back. That I also love her.

It’s a bit pathetic but I think I don’t know how I’ll live anymore If I’m not without her. It’s a constant pain that I can’t be with her every second of every day. It’s already inked in my mind that my future is with her. And I don’t like anything more. Just her.

This situation of ours gives me a little more effort. She gives me more power to live everyday. The love that we have for each other makes me think of our future. And that’s enough.

This article was originally posted at LeKristaBlog

This post was inspired by: What It’s Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression

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Published by Krista Mission