How did I spend the weekend this week? Stupidly contrived way to start a blog post but whatever. I went down to London with a friend this week and here are a few things I noted. I'm still terrified of spending money. I spent £35 on a pair of jeans and I genuinely spent almost an hour deliberating on the idea and freaking out about that. The amount is almost trifling now, it's just a few hours of work or a spinner or two and its an investment but I still didn't want to do it. This is something that might ruin me one day, being unwilling to spend money will result in me losing opportunities and I reckon I need to fix this somehow. I'm still not totally confident in public, my friend who I went with is totally outgoing, but like the compensating kind where you have to do weird shit in order to compensate for insecurity (or that's my hypothesis) he jumped in front of this camera with two filming some kind of show and honestly I freaked out. It's just that weird shit I can't stand because it makes me feel uncomfortable as shit. That and we were taking mad pics for the gram and I was literally so uncomfortable about that. A weird thing I felt today was my confidence slipping away slowly. The start of the conference I was cracking mad jokes and answering all the questions but the latter half I was just dead, there were times when they were asking for volunteers and I genuinely think I would've killed it but couldn't because I was too nervous. Not good, still need to work on this internal unshakable confidence. Aside from that there are some things I've realised, there are some things I just one day decided that I wasn't good at and would never look at them again. I didn't think I talented enough at maths or programming and just never did it, this has stunted me and I need to get out of all these convictions about myself. Ie need to learn some basic coding. I could be doing more. While I don't think I really met anyone who was killing it in every area of their lives there were some people today that were beasts in some areas. I need to specialize, to reach a mad goal, choose something and take it all the way to the top. Mastery is one of the only things that I can work on at this age and from there I can develop other things, I'm not sure what I'll choose but that'll be interesting. I always have these moments where I say I'm gonna cut out all distractions but it's just too easy to be lost in it, but it's time for no more excuses, just do. I think I'll finish here, it might be a bit disjointed because I'm on 5 hours sleep and a few hours of straight theory that will take me a while to digest.

Published by Kevin Li