24 April 2016

Few years ago, I was undergoing through one of life’s many challenges.  I felt trapped, unhappy, unappreciated, taken for granted… in short, hopeless.  For months and days, I went thru my day like a zombie.  Just going through it, nothing else.  In a way, I was depressed and vulnerable.  I isolate myself from my friends and family.  I kept to myself and just don’t want to share.

You see, for a long time, I thought I was inadequate.  I thought I wasn’t enough.  I thought I need to change.

True, we all feel that way sometimes… but is that what we really are?  Is that who we are?

I had been in a relationship where I feel I was inadequate.  I can’t measure up to their picture of perfection.  I wasn’t perfect.  I wasn’t enough.  I care more of what others think of me than I admit.  It bothers me when I don’t see them happy.  I’m a people-pleaser.

I thought dumbing myself down would help them keep up.  I thought that if I slow down or lower my standard, they’ll see that I wasn’t so hard to reach.  That I am approachable and reachable. I ignored compliments, thinking I don’t deserve them.

I have been told, on numerous occasions that someone is prettier than me, I was too fat, and I’m not smart.  My ambitions are too high, it’s unattainable.  It’s impossible.  I will never make it.

As a result, I did not pursue my goals.  I became stagnant.  I didn’t grow.  The things I do were routine and repetitive.  No purpose.  It felt nothing.  I was going through life, day in and out.

So many times, I have compared myself to others.  Pursuing my dreams is wrong, I won’t make it anyway.  Instead of pulling others to reach our goals, they’ve pulled me down to emptiness.

I became numb, unhappy and unsatisfied.  I thought going through all those would be worth it… it would be a compromise, a sacrifice.  I held on to people who I thought, would see my worth as well as their potential.  I fought so hard to be what they want me to be.  But I lost myself.  It wasn’t me.  I always knew I deserve better, I can do better, and I can be better.

I prayed so hard for a suitable reply on a prayer I already knew the answer, but wasn’t prepared to accept.  I prayed and cried for days and nights for the joy to come back to me.  I felt I didn’t serve a purpose.

I don’t want to give up so I held on tightly to what’s keeping me unhappy.  I don’t know how I got through it but I know God was there.  I remembered praying for His will to be done and I surrender it all to Him.  I heard him clearly said “Let go” and when I did, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder and I was at peace.  He then let me rest.

When I finally let go of what was weighing me down, I finally accepted who I am and my flaws.  I stopped listening to people who pull me down instead of lifting me up.  I stopped listening to the voices in my head that says I wasn’t enough.  I paused and thought, why should I listen to them?

I let go of toxic relationships and I felt free.  I opened myself to new possibilities and it is infinite.  My dreams, goals, and purpose are suddenly within my reach.  I am chasing God and He is leading me to where He wants me to be.

I am still praying for direction but I am not worried anymore.  I maybe alone in my journey but I don’t feel lonely for God is with me.

Now, I tell myself I am enough, I am adequate and I am a perfect combination.  I am just right in the sight of God.  I will still go through life’s challenges but I feel more courageous.  I would probably be on my own most of the time.  God is preparing me for my journey.

Who needs a relationship when you’re happy by yourself?



-  Originally posted here titled "Let Go and Let God!"


Published by Call me "Bebekoh"