Stuck in between, not knowing which way to go. Am I waiting for something???

There are times when thoughts like this sneak into the back of my mind, slowly creeping up into the consciousness until it swallows up. Thoughts of “Am I good enough?” , “I feel so useless, I fuck things up all the time”, “Nobody would love me”. When I’d open these things up to people, I would be usually met with a concerned gaze.

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Then they’d say the darndest things like, “It’ll get better soon” , “Everything’s gonna be OK, don’t worry about it!”, “I’m sure you’ll find someone” and “It’s all in your head, stop thinking about it”. You know what I’d say to that?

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I wish I had that paddle IRL.

I know it’s all in my head but that doesn’t make the feeling go away. It just festers there, like a disgusting cesspool of self-loathing and self-doubt. It makes everything that I held close and dear rot into some sick, twisted vision of what it once was. I had never been really vocal about those thoughts (for fear of the side eye…shady bitches) for a long time. Only a select few people have seen me break down and cry! I didn’t want them to see me vulnerable. I didn’t want them to see the cracks in my facade. I thought I had made a perfect mask of JOY and OPTIMISM!

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I’ve built an image of me brimming with optimism and infectious joy that no amount of bad things can ruin my day. For the longest time I’ve believed that lie I told myself, and everyone around me bought it. I’d be this fortress of a person that you cannot bring down. I’d find a silver lining to every bad thing that happened. This may not be necessarily a bad thing, but I know I’m lying to myself. Until, love (???) happened.

 

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2 PC. CHICKENJOY,  PLEASE.

I had been this lovesick puppy throughout my collegiate days (probably until now, can’t remember), to the point of self-destruction. I’d “devote” myself entirely to one person and when they leave, I’d be stuck in limbo, borderline descending into hell. I’d question who am I as a person then proceed to beat myself up about it – until I’d find another guy who can make me forget about that other guy. The cycle never ends! Desperate is an understatement to describe the things I did back then. Until one day, I said to myself “I’ve fucking had it with you for being that way”. So, I gradually changed from a happy self-destructive robot back to a normal human-ish robot/person (???). I had a hard time adjusting to stopping seeking acceptance from other people to just plain old loving myself. I learned to find happiness in being alone, to not rely on other people’s views and opinions about myself because you know what? Fuck other people.

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Fuck them with a giant dildo, if possible.

I thank the people who came into my life (and stayed), for teaching me great and valuable lessons. To those who left, I still thank you for being an asshole. You made me realize my worth as a person did not rely on other people but myself. I know I made mistakes in the past, who doesn’t? Mistakes are what makes us human, it’s what keeps us grounded. Just focus on getting better. In the words of Ms. Latrice Royale “It’s OK to make mistakes, it’s OK to fall down. Get up! Look sick’ning! MAKE THEM EAT IT!

Published by Bryan Sudlay