"We hunger in earnest for that which we cannot consume.”

― Nenia Campbell

What is it about something that's forbidden that makes it irresistible?

I have a friend. He's a guy. On my other blog, I refer to him as Superman. I'll use that moniker on here too. We have a complicated relationship, at least in my mind we do. We used to date and now we're friends. The attraction between us is still very much there. That's fine. That's nothing new. During the brief period when I was caught in a love triangle, I acknowledged that Superman and I have a unique connection. We're both. . . .  damaged, for lack of a better word, and. . . . . I don't know. I'm drawn to him and I feel comfortable opening up to him in a similar way to how I do on my blog. The best way that I could describe is, my brokenness calls out to his.

Last night. . . . . I've seen Superman cry before, but last night he was vulnerable in a way that I'd never seen before. I was drunk and acted on the attraction between us that I'd normally ignore while sober. Superman is a vet. And I'm on my monthly. That's a recipe for disaster. Superman experienced some sort of flashback. His voice was soft and vulnerable when he whispered, "I don't think I could do this." I was about to say I understood, because it is pretty gross, but then I looked in his eyes and I really understood. There was. . . .  pain and restraint. I'd never wanted to be the cause of his pain or his flashback. But that moment changed something.

When I drove away from his place this morning, I missed him the minute my eyes were no longer on him. That's not good. I can't do this. I can't develop anything for anybody. I can't watch another person walk out of my life. I can't risk having my heart ripped open again. I can't. He's a friend and a damn good looking one at that, I'll probably always want him, but this. . . . whatever is trying to take root, I can't let it happen. I can't even acknowledge it because the pain of losing my first love is still fresh. But something is there. I may have been drunk, but that moment between Superman and I will be forever seared into my brain. All day, it's been on a constant loop. Something about him. . . .  I can't explain it. I don't know what it is. But I don't want there to be a day when he's not a fixture in my life.

Published by Malia -