What if I truly understood God’s unconditional love?

What if I truly knew how wide, long, high and deep his love is?

How much would this knowledge transform my faith?

Giving my life to Christ  when I was six years old was the best decision I made. 

I think my relationship with Jesus has really saved  me in more ways than one.  I can visibly see how my life differs from others around me who don’t know him.

However, I would be lying to say my relationship with Christ is perfect.  In fact, it’s currently strained.

I struggle to bring myself to read his word and I find countless excuses every Sunday now to not go to church.

My fire for God has faded.  My love for him has loss its luster.

I  struggle with maintaining my relationship with God. I’m not the best Christian.  I’m an the epitome of an imperfect  one to be exact.

All relationships require some effort. Christianity is no different.  However, there comes a point with God that I have to stop striving and let God be…God.

I haven’t mastered that.  I haven’t mastered trust in him either.  I have mastered living in guilt and condemnation. I’m really good at fleeing and abandoning our relationship when things get rough or I don’t like where He’s leading me.

I don’t have many good real-life examples of healthy, good relationships in my life.

Honestly, I don’t know how to nurture them.

I believe this tremendously impacts my life and relationship with Christ.

I mistakenly and foolishly view it through the lens of all my past failed relationships.

My earthly limitations and flaws blind me.

I know the promises of God. I can’t say I always believe they’re true for my life.

God is a redeemer.  Jesus does indeed saves.

I frequently ponder if I’m beyond the point of  redemption . I wonder if I am too out of reach for salvation.

I’m trapped by the enemy’s  lies that my salvation is constantly at stake.

I know my salvation was paid at the Calvary with the shedding of his blood, but that doesn’t stop me from striving to earn it.

I’m always working to earn to God’s love and forgiveness…daily.

Deception becomes our reality after it’s been our perception for so long.

We filter life through our experiences.

I’ve heard multiple times we view Christ based on our earthly parental relationships.

My father is  absent.

My mom and I have had a rocky relationship as long as I can remember.

It seems I am constantly at work for her love and approval, but  I feel I fall short.

I strongly believe these things have  an impact on my faith.

I know we’re supposed to cast our cares on him and let our petitions be known, but I honestly don’t see the point any more.  I’ve lost faith in prayer. Now,  I question if he even hears me.

I feel God is silent and distant in my life. 

So,  I rebel and create a greater distance between us.

I hide.  I act in opposition of his word.

I sin.  I sin…big time.

I know I can’t keep running. There’s a voice deep inside calling me back.  I’m hesitant.  I’m pessimistic.

Yet, I often ask God what can I do be saved? Ignoring the fact I am saved.

The problem lies in  my trust in God.

I fear the burden of actually carrying my cross.

It’s one thing to say you’re a Christian. It’s another to actually live it. 

My fear of failure overwhelms me.  What if the world finds  out I am not perfect? What if I’m too imperfect to serve God?

My spirit is broken.  My soul needs some healing.

I need a renewed mind.

I know I have given up on God, but I know he hasn’t  given up on me. 

I want to clarify I’m not turning my back on faith. The little voice inside (the holy spirit) won’t let me.

It’s just in desperate need of revival.

This is Love Transformed

Check out more of my posts on my blog Love Transformed. 

Published by Marlenia Jewell