It's been a little while since I've posted either on here or on my personal blog. For a few reasons, I have been struggling lately. Works been very busy, my moods been low and finding motivation to do anything was an uphill struggle. I had slowly been picking myself up recovering from an injury from after my charity fight and getting myself back into training. 

However as is usually the case, on Saturday myself and many in the community were hit with a huge blow. A friend of mine I had recently become pretty well aquatinted with unfortunately passed away following a motorbike accident at the Macau road race circuit. It took me harder than i was expecting. Dan was a very well loved member of both the road racing and local community and at the very young age of 31 it was a huge blow to a lot of people.

As a result of this news I felt myself sliding backwards again. A surreal feeling, I was by no means a best friend, but this has felt like a huge hit. The last two days I have only left the house if i had to, I've not had an appetite only eating because I know i need to and in the last 48 hours I've had about 6 or 7 hours sleep. In my head I'm over reacting, it's ridiculous to feel like this and totally irrational. But logical me is saying this isn't just about one thing. This is a result of a build up and it's okay to feel low sometimes. 

I am a male in my mid 20s, I work on the railway, a male dominated industry. I have people I can talk to but feel like a burden, an annoyance, an attention seeker. It doesn't matter how many of my friends or family say I can call or message them at anytime I will always feel I have to keep my feelings to myself, I have to be the strong level headed one, thats who people think I am. That is who I am when I'm feeling myself but we all have our off days. On bad days I tell myself I'm a bad friend, I'm a bad boyfriend, son or brother. But I can't tell anyone that because they tell me I'm not. I don't want to hear that I want to feel happy and confident again. Constantly looking for an escape, my cabin in the woods to make "everything better". I don't always feel like this. In fact I would say there is a higher percentage of my year where I feel like me rather than feel like I'm in a black hole. But when I'm in here it feels never ending. Like I've always been in here and it'll never get better. 

Mens mental health is an issue. Yes people are more accepting of the issues men face. But here in the UK there is still a stigma attached to it especially in male dominant industries. I know this first hand being a railway man. 

Mental health isn't a joke. It's not a myth and it isn't something that just goes away. 1 in 4 people suffer with mental health issues and if you are a male you are far more likely to commit suicide.

I know I'm lucky. I have incredible people around me, an amazing family, a good job and I am living a great life. That doesn't make a difference anxiety and depressions doesn't care about your background. I know this isn't going away and it's something I will always have to deal with but i refuse to suffer in silence anymore. I have to much to loose to become another statistic. 

Speak up. Speak out. Don't suffer alone. We are all here for each other now, we are here to help! 


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