No one tells you the truth before you get pregnant. Everything is all roses and sunshine according to everyone else. My family all had healthy pregnancies, why would I be any different? 

 

I can't speak for all women but I can speak for myself on this. I never expected a miscarriage. I had a passing thought in the back of my mind that it could happen. It happens to women all the time. Just like most people out there, I assumed it could never happen to me. I am young and healthy. I eat healthy, hell, I even do yoga, dammit. 

 

I was 10 weeks along when I received my first scan. I had this doctor who, to be honest, had the same voice as my father-in-law. So I was a little creeped out but that could not squash the excitement and nervousness with seeing my baby. Have you ever had a scan? It's not on your belly like in the movies. When you are just starting your pregnancy they use what I can only describe as a very unsexy sex toy. I looked at the screen to see an empty picture. There was, what appeared to be, nothing. Not a damn thing. The doctor, very blatantly said, “well, this doesn't appear to be a healthy pregnancy”. Just like that, my heart stopped. I had been getting thicker around the middle despite throwing up multiple times a day. I couldn't eat and all I wanted to do was sleep. And yet, my baby was void of any real growth. 

 

I was convinced this doctor was wrong. I went back in two days later only to be told that there was still nothing. 

 

A missed miscarriage is what they call it. An embryo was conceived but just never really started growing. The thing that threw me off was that the sac that should hold a healthy baby was still growing, pregnancy hormones were still increasing by the day, and I was still going through every pregnancy symptom. It was like my body wanted so badly to be pregnant but never really got the memo that the baby decided it didn't feel like sticking around.

 

My doctor suggested that I either wait it out. My body would figure out that I wasn't carrying a healthy pregnancy sooner or later. They could shove some pills inside me to get the party started. Or they could complete a D&C and professionally clean out my uterus. 

 

I can't figure out if I should be grateful that I didn't start to miscarriage on my own because how scary would that be? Or should I be upset that I had to spend thousands of dollars to have a doctor scrape out my uterus like some type of Halloween jack-o-lantern? 

 

Tomorrow marks one month since having the D&C. Every week I think to myself, 2 weeks since my baby was gone, 3 weeks since my baby is gone, and now 4 weeks. It's taken 4 weeks for me not to cry every day over the loss that I feel. It has taken the strangers that have reached out to me on my blog to realize that I am not alone. Others understand the true loss of losing not just an embryo but the loss of the future you had planned, the dreams you have dreamed. 

 

It took 9 years of being married to my husband (a total of 15 years together) to know that my own mother in law had 3 miscarriages, my mother had a miscarriage of her own. No one talks about this. I can't say that I wish people would share their stories because I know that just writing this brought me back into that exam room and it hurts. It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest the moment that I think of that day. 

 

So, why am I writing about it? I just want women out there to know that you are not alone. I understand the pain that you feel that radiates throughout your body at the loss. I understand that for weeks it will feel like you cannot catch your breath. I understand that feeling of seeing another pregnant woman and thinking “it should have been me”. The moment you miscarry, everyone around you will be pregnant. Every. Single. Person. I see women snapping at their children and I would think “if that was my child, I would never yell”. I doubt the last one would end up being true but it was a thought I had on multiple occasions. I hope the women out there who are going through this know that they are not alone. You will feel alone at first but it will get easier. Reach out to friends, hell, reach out to strangers. Rely on your partner and your family. You are not alone.

 

I don't want to say time heals all wounds because I feel like I will remember this for the rest of my life. If I go on to have a dozen children, I will always remember my first.

 

For those going through this, this experience will make you stronger. I promise you this.  

 

Published by Ray Shepherd