FATE, DESTINY: I USED TO BELIEVE IN THOSE THINGS.

            Many people rely on fate and destiny. They put their trust in the arrangement of the stars and hope to get the future they have been dreaming of. According to Trisha Yearwood’s song She’s In Love with the Boy, what’s meant to be will always find a way. Well, believing in fate makes a person optimist and patient but most of the time, just passive. And I hate that fact because I, myself, used to believe in fate and became the passive one. I hope I did not believe in fate because that costs me one special person in my life who I might not have again.

            His eyes reminded me of the caramel macchiato coffee I drank last night. His charming smile made me believe that I could do anything. His hand was like the pillow I loved to hug every night. His smell was a fragrance of an ocean that brings me ecstasy. He caused the rapid beats of my heart, my mouth stutters and my face conscious as if there was a camera in front of me. This guy, for other people, was just an average guy but for a person who was a coward like me, he was someone worth fighting for.

            We love traveling. I used to sneak from my parents to leave the house late at night to be with him. We went to places beyond our imaginations doing peculiar things. I remember each of our dates ranging from long drives to dinners under the starry night, hearing the beautiful silence that the moon produced. I can vividly recall the times where we used to lie beside each other and talk about our future as if we had a clue. When the stars are all up and the moon shines, we just stare with each other and smile. I never thought that one day I would not see that smile again.

            We love eating. I remember how we used to roam around Baguio just to find a perfect restaurant for our ordinary dinner. He was very meticulous with food but loves to try something new. He liked Vizco’s blueberry cheesecake with the exact balance of the sweetness and sourness. For every bite, there will be an experience of heaven with cute little angels singing. He loved it so much that one piece of cake is not enough for him and still, he gives the half to me.

            We love music. I even have a vivid recollection of how we used to argue on who is the better singer between Ed Sheeran and Jason Mraz. It was a non-stop debate of us. I did not let him beat me. I always say to him that Jason Mraz was so much better than other artists and he would just smile and sing. One of the things I was not able to confess to him is that he, among all, was my favorite singer.  

            I love him but I never showed it to him. I never acted my feelings towards him. I just let him give his all to me even if he did not receive anything from me. I never said those three words couples usually say. I never gave a gift during his birthday. I do not know why I did nothing— or maybe, I do. Maybe, it is my fear: fear of commitment. I am afraid that our relationship might not work. I am afraid that he might not be the one for me. I am afraid that I might not give the love back equally to him. I am afraid to know that I am not enough for him. I am afraid of losing him— losing him forever.

            With that fear, I ended the fairytale everyone is dreaming of. It is not a happily ever after. It is my entire fault that the relationship that has not even started yet already ended. I took him for granted. I thought he will never get tired of waiting. I thought even if I let him go now, he will come back later because we are destined for each other. But I was wrong. It was not the destiny that made us but the other way around. We were the ones who create our own destiny, our own fate. The stars in the sky were our decisions we made in our lives. It is up to us what kind of stars we are going to put. And sadly, I chose a falling star.