I think I truly became depressed when I was like 4 or 5 because I got taken away from my parents and put in foster care. I didn't really understand what was going on. I would get into these episodes where I would hide under the blanket and not talk to people for like 5 days to a week because I was just so stressed, scared and confused. That went on for like several years but it might just be the way my body reacted to certain emotions.


Then when I was 13, I started middle school. That was hell! When I wasn't in "my moods". I was genuinely a fairly happy kid until one day at school I started noticing I was different and not necessarily "pretty" because most girls had boyfriends and boys never showed interest in me. So I would come home, get in my bed and just bawl! I lost all motivation to do my homework and no one really knew why. I started posting suicidal tweets on Twitter because it was a cry for help and I needed to vent. My family found out and we talked about it. I felt better for a while until I hit 15.


It got worse than before. In high school, I noticed that I couldn't keep friends, still didn't feel pretty, was told that I looked like a creature created from Satan or like I had cancer. I was pretty much told that I'm the reason that my dad is an alcoholic and to go die somewhere by random people over the internet that I didn't even know. Some time after that, my mother married my sister's dad who I couldn't stand but remember that this was 3 years ago, my dad's girlfriend got pregnant which broke my heart and a certain friendship ended. Everything bad was just happening within like a year and a half time span and I was depressed the whole time and I just wanted to die.


I literally started hating myself and became my own bully. I was my own worst enemy.  I would tell myself that I was ugly, worthless, I'd never get a boyfriend and that everyone hated me and was against me. I also kept telling myself that all of my friends were there for pity, that no one would actually care if I died and that they'd throw a party to celebrate instead.  I was fighting a battle against my mind and I totally was losing. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't cry when I got home. It's crazy because if you asked anyone in school about me, they would say that I was happy, positive, strong and always smiling. If only they knew the half!


Around the time I was gonna go Christmas shopping the year of 2013, I decided that I was gonna drive my wheelchair off of a curb at the mall and commit suicide. That day came and I started thinking about it that morning wondering "Are we really gonna do this?". I thought about these two amazing girls that were always there for me during that time (you'll know who you are) and so needless to say I didn't commit suicide that day! That day was a serious reality check for me though!


I realized that I didn't know who I was anymore. I was usually a really positive, happy and optimistic person before all of this and I was getting scared because I was losing myself right in front of my eyes and I didn't like who I was becoming. At this point, it was literally a matter of life and death. I thought to myself "if you don't live for yourself, that's fine but you're gonna live for Jada and Shauna". That's what I did, I chose to fight for them because they saw things that I couldn't see.


On January 1st, my new year's resolution was to be more positive, not hate myself anymore, love myself and to not be afraid to truly be myself around people. With time, I fell in love with that baby sister who I once hated and she became one of the reasons I'm gonna keep fighting because she needs me and I can teach her so much. My dad needs me too because even though he had an alcohol problem, I know that he loves me and he's my best friend! I'm doing pretty good with that new year's resolution but I'm not even gonna lie, it's hard! Some days depression and self-hatred kick my butt and other days, I kick theirs but I promise myself and other people that I wouldn't give up! Stay strong please!

Published by Jamesha Kirkland