Someone once asked me how I can be strong when I have never been through anything when I’m only 22, well to be fair they only ever met me but they don’t know what has happened in my twenty two years of life.

Ever since I can remember I have never lived a normal life but I have lived a life with no regrets. If you don’t know by now I had a sister her name was Keziah (more about her on my first post) throughout her life she had suffered through tremendous pains because of her disease yet she was able to fight through it all towards her last days on earth. She is the reason why I continue this fight of life

I know my battles aren’t as severe as other people’s but they are my battles that I have faced, I have lost loved ones, I have lost friendships, my heart has been broken, I’ve seen a loved one attempt suicide, I’ve been at my darkest times that I still remember today. Throughout my 22 years of life my hardest battle was when i got the phone call I never wanted that changed my life.

It was the day my mum called our home from the hospital saying just 2 words“She’s Gone” right then I didn’t want to believe anything I didn’t want it to be real that my older sister my inspiration and strength had passed away. How can this be she was only 18 years old she had so much to live for. But I knew that it was real that moment I stepped out of the elevator with D and K next to me and saw my dad he had this look I won’t ever forget and at that moment I feel down on the floor not caring what was going around me but just crying because that’s all that I could do.

Months and years later her death still impacts my life someone once told me thatgrief never really goes away you just learn how to deal with it better. Which is true you never know how to deal with grief, you deal with it in your own way and just hope fore the best. But tbh it kills the pain doesn’t ever go away it just gets bearable.

I know from personal experience I have been to my darkest of times where I wouldn’t eat or didn’t care about life it wasn’t about the grief I was going through but it was that everything changed, with a loss of a loved one to loss of friendships I felt unworthy I felt unloved like no one could ever love me, like this world would be better without me, I was so far down this darkness I didn’t care what happened next I wasn’t thinking about the people around me honestly I was being selfish.

but there was one night where I was at my last breath I couldn’t handle what was going on inside of me I didn’t want to wake up anymore so instead i just started crying there on the floor of my bed not knowing what was about to happen. When there is nothing left for me when I felt all alone and that I was unworthy there was a song that was playing in the background that touched my heart that I decided to leave it on replay. The lyrics from


The strength that I hold will fail me,
I build walls that crumble and fall,
But you Lord will never neglect me
Always standing strong beside me,
Faithful one

You love me but I am unworthy,
Oh knowing that I will fall short
You Lord will never neglect me,
Always standing strong beside me

Faithful one, faithful one,
You Lord will never forsake me,
Even when my own heart betrays me

That night I decided to turn my life around to give every pain, every heartache, every doubt inside of me to God, he spoke to me from within a song, he made me realise that even though my own heart betrays me I know that my Heavenly Father will never forsake me, that even through my darkest days he is still there standing next to me. My life since that day still hasn’t been perfect but then again whose life is perfect but I have realised that my life is nothing without God and that through all my darkest of times he is still able to pull me out of deep waters that I drown in and lift me up of the darkness. It’s the 8th of September 2016 I don’t know what tomorrow or the next few years may bring but I know that God is in control and I out my full trust and faith in him.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. – Isaiah 43:2

Published by Kylie De Guia