October 27, 2016

Hello Beauties,

I wrote about my engagement in March of this year and in the post and at the time, I was excited about it...or at least I wanted to be excited about it.  My child's father and I have been together now for four years, would have been five earlier this month (I think) if we could make things work.  Let's start from the beginning....

We Meet

My ex-fiance, I'll call him "Dean", and I met at work.  When I met him, I thought he was very handsome and mature.  You know, he just seemed to have his stuff together.  When we went out for the first time, I discovered that he had children...three to be exact and two of which he had full custody of from his previous marriage.  When I told friends about him, my tiny circle of friends, I got a lot of "I wouldn't date someone with kids!!".  Basically, people thought I was crazy.   I looked past that mainly because why should I just dismiss this guy just because he has children??

Surprise

Fast forward..... After almost dating for a year, I found out I was pregnant.  At this time, I was in love and I was actually very happy to be expecting.  I thought to myself that if I were to have a child with someone, it would be with "Dean".  When I told him I was pregnant over the phone, at my home, in the bathroom, he thought I was joking....later on, I realized that he wasn't as happy as I was.

And the downfall begins...

We began to argue....argue about whether or not to continue with the pregnancy.  I was devastated, because I thought "Dean" would be happy.  We spoke about kids and marriage prior to this, so I didn't expect the reaction I received.  Of course, I decided to continue with my pregnancy.  During this time, my position at my school was cut, I found a new job, and "Dean" and I moved in together, even though I really didn't want to leave my awesome condo with the walk-in closet.  Living with him and his kids has always been rocky.  His children weren't the best at listening, but I tried to work through this.  I spoke with "Dean" about how I felt about this problem a lot, but no changes were made; I felt like I was becoming a nag.  It just wasn't what I expected.  I definitely had some resentment built up....one, I felt that my child wasn't wanted and two, I now lived with kids that I had no say in how they behaved or how they treated our home, or at least this is how I felt.  Don't get me wrong, they aren't horrible kids at all.  I've dealt with worst everyday at my job.  Maybe that is the reason it felt so frustrating to have to deal with things at home that were similar to my job; becoming a mother to basically three kids was a lot to take on.  Our baby boy was born...and I felt happy again.  I thought that he's going to make this feel like the family I always wanted.  Obviously, this was not the case.  "Dean" and I argued about everything!!! We argued about his kids, especially the youngest one that lived with us (she no longer lives with us), cleaning, our child, me feeling like I was losing myself since having our baby, our sex life...I mean EVERYTHING. I said I was going to leave so many times...we broke up, got back together, broke up again...I lost security deposits on apartments because I was so sure I was going to move out, but then I didn't.  I realized that I had a child and moved in with someone I barely knew! 

My heart

I started to feel that we did not work well together.  I loved him, but I was starting to fall out of love.  When he proposed to me in March, I'm not sure what made me say yes.  Maybe it was because my family was there or because I waited so long for him to propose to me or maybe it was for the family I wanted and my son, so he can have a home with both parents.  I had already let someone else into my heart...not in love...more like lust, but I still thought "No,this is gonna work. We have to make this work", so I said yes.  I got swept up in wedding planning.  I went to Texas to visit my BFF/Maid of Honor and bought my dress.  (It's freaking gorgeous btw).  I did all of this with doubts in my head, another man on my mind, and the image of what I wanted for us in my heart.  As we continued to argue, I could feel myself drifting further away from him.  This isn't what I wanted.  For a while, I just tried to be happy, but I wasn't and I hated everything.   

Now & Beyond???

"Dean" and I are still living together.  The wedding is called off.  My beautiful dress is hanging in the closet and my ring...I gave it back.  We are not together and it is very stressful and frustrating.  "Dean" wants to work on it.  I'm at a point where, I've heard the "We can make this work" speech so many times, that I just don't know if we really can after all that have happened.  I love "Dean", but I'm not in love.  I don't feel the way I did about him when I was 24...excited to see him everyday, happy when he came over to my place, etc.  I don't know what is going to happen..but were stuck together for now...

Want to hear more??  Advice? Comment and let me know.

KB