I like eating shit. I'm writing this whilst eating so needed that to actually remind me what I'm writing about. This is the first blog I've actually written in maybe a month and yeah I think I'll start doing it more (famous last words). Back to the actual post anyway. So I'm listening to toilers new vid and had a good think about it but I've realised in this weird sadomasochistic way I like losing. After I messed up a maths homework I was genuinely happy writing down everything I'd gotten wrong and plotting what I would do next time. I keep getting these mouth ulcers and one cure my parents told me was holding a vitamin c pill to it and Jesus it's like putting salt on a wound and it causes it to bleed but it's weird I just kept doing it last night. Maybe I've just programmed myself to like this stuff. I was thinking about old blog posts and there's one I wrote near the start about approach anxiety which was a symptom of being afraid of failure and how I wanted to solve it by becoming a green peace signature collector. A few months later I got my first job at carphone which honestly is just a cushier version of that. I have this weird approach to work now. I kinda do this sigh and then launch into it knowing I'm going to enjoy it. I do like a fake protestation but do it anyway. I do it at carphone when I'm serving customers (which most of us are too lazy to do), when im doing exercise or when I'm revising. On this revising it's kinda weird, I'm more likely to revise than not these days. I quite honestly think I get more pleasure doing sums that watching tv which is a nice place to be. I was listening to this thing where they talked about how to kill it in life and one thing was making work fun by having a low tolerance for fun and just being able to go for hours. I'm not perfect but I think I'm at a good place with that. I think other people have it to but honestly it doesn't seem likely at 17 that most people have cultivated it. So that's a cheeky little inbuilt advantage as redbeard likes to talk about.