The one year anniversary of your passing will be here in one short month and missing you has not gotten any easier for me. All year I've had to celebrate holidays and events without you here with me and let me tell you...it's been an extremely hard healing process and self-learning experience. 

For years, I had been trying to prepare myself for your passing because I knew that your disease would eventually end up taking your life. I knew that I needed to be strong for Christina because that's just how big sister's are programmed when they're blessed with a younger sibling. I was always really good at pretending everything was okay and would put on my 'happy face' when things in our past were a nightmare, so that I could protect Chris from the anxiety, fear, and sadness that was brought to our very early teenage years.

Today is the day that you gave birth to me 26 years ago. It was the day that you gave me life and the day that I made you a mom. This is my last first without you and it just happens to be my birthday...

I'm finding it really hard pretending that everything is OK right now, and making sure that my 'happy face' doesn't look completely fake because I know that this birthday will be the beginning of a lot more to come where I'm reminded that a piece of me will be forever missing.  I will no longer receive that goofy, but loving card that you would tape change in according to how old I was turning, see my phone light up first thing in the morning with it reading, "Mom Calling" and knowing that when I pick up you'd be on the other end singing me Happy Birthday, or be able to hug and kiss you while thanking you for giving me life.

Although the absence of you brings my heart tremendous pain...the reality of it brings me happiness because I know that you are no longer suffering or being held prisoner in your own body. You had a heart of gold, a personality that was genuine in every way, a smile that was radiant and highly contagious, and lastly... a mother's love that was so vibrant and pure that it was obvious that Christina and I were your entire world. 

I know that you can't physically be here with me anymore and that's okay. I can feel your presence everywhere I go, which makes me believe that even when I'm feeling weak you'll remind me somehow that I'm still strong and always will be. Thank you for that gift, Mom. I love you.

 

Published by Ashley Cutter