please read the whole thing & be nice please
It is currently February 21, 2017 and I have been feeling really sad lately like in my heart. What I mean by that is I don’t think this feeling is situational so no one particular event triggered it but it’s basically internal sadness caused by my mind. My mind plays this game every so often of making me believe that everyone really hates me and they try to make my life harder on purpose because it’s fun for them. I know that probably sounds dramatic or ridiculous to some of you but lately, I’ve really honestly been feeling like it’s me against majority of all of the people here which would probably make anyone sad feeling that alone. Another reason that is definitely contributing to causing me to feel sad because of feeling alone is the lack of family support, interaction, physical affection, and visiting me. The last and probably biggest factor of my sadness is the fact that I am living in a place where I am not being stimulated or challenged mentally and intellectually which turns into consistent boredom and that snowballs into just sadness.
As far as feeling like it’s me by myself against the facility, that theory has started becoming a constant mindset for about 4-5 days now. It has always been a backseat thought but it’s moved up to a passenger seat or driver’s seat for a week lately. This time, it all started with me finding out that my favorite nurse’s schedule is changing and it came out in a casual conversation between her and someone else while I was around but not even her telling me herself. In my head, I think that our relationship is a lot closer than in actual reality which I accept because it’s my normal but also, I need to remember that in everyday life because that’s why she isn’t able to see where my hurt would come from about that.
My real reason for being so broken over the schedule situation is that this nurse is going from weekends to weekdays. I look at her as a mother figure because mine isn’t stable and part of that for me entails protecting me and fighting for what I need and deserve but without her, I am defenseless on the weekend which scares me because no one on the weekends really take me into consideration. They tend to fight for the residents who can’t talk rather than me also which pisses me off. Throughout the week, I have the administrators here to fight for me to get in the bed and what I need at a reasonable time and this person does that for me sometimes but I think it’s actually less in reality than in my head because my thinking is all black and white anyway. So when her days change, I really don’t feel like anyone here is actually going to care because recently, last week I feel like she didn’t even care herself.
Going deeper into the issue is that I don’t feel like anyone stood up for me in my childhood and if they did, it wasn’t usually the person it should have been. It was usually my nurses and never my parents and sometimes it wasn't anyone even if there were witnesses who knew it was wrong. I understand that no one wanted to rock the boat or make things worse but regardless of if someone else has to take care of your children but you still have your parental rights then you should have a standard of how you feel like your children should be treated. As long as you have not neglected or abused your kids then your feelings should matter about discipline or other things and if my parents don’t want you to get yelled at then they should learn how to talk about it in a mature adult manner as my parents should have done. Obviously they didn’t but I feel like even if the situation didn’t go well then that is when you should make sure your child gets moved to another foster home or another place in general because other forms of abuse besides physical is so real and it penetrates deeply into your soul.
I was abused mentally and emotionally abused on and off for about 10-11 years and certain people close to me knew it was going on because I was calling them crying almost every time it happened. They acted like they felt bad but they only tried to help once or twice so obviously it kept happening. I always hope and desperately look for someone who might stand up for me because those years of not being helped and protected from being yelled at and treated unfairly have made me question if I am good enough for being saved. I don’t feel like I am worth being anyone’s priority because I’m not one even to my family so I hoped that she would make me feel like that but no one can really make me feel worth it or a priority because of circumstances here and because I’m not.
Now, I’ll talk about the lack of support and affection from family. Just know that my mom made me become a very emotionally needy person because of her actions or lack of actions which is the root of my feelings and thoughts regarding this. I’ve never really completely felt loved before because the first interactions and connections of love should be maternally but mine weren’t which causes me to desperately yearn for it. My whole life has been me finding people, within the family and out, who usually end up being the kind of mother that I wish I had and inappropriately attach myself to them and basically beg them to love me. It becomes uncomfortable for them eventually and they always end up leaving because of them feeling uncomfortable and them saying that I’m annoying.
I am too much for my family to handle physically and mostly emotionally as far as my leech like neediness so they definitely keep me at a distance to keep their sanity. Rationally thinking, I understand why they try to steer clear of me but I can’t think that way during my irrational episodes and also, that hurts me really deeply because they should know that I can’t control it! Since they push me away because of their fear of giving me an inch emotionally and me taking a mile, I look for other people to love me and show it but they can’t do that here which leaves me disappointed at the end of the day. My family doesn’t understand how much I would give to get a hug and an “it’s going to be ok” or a “no matter how much you try to push me away, I’m not leaving” and actually mean it especially from my cousin Ashley. I can’t even spend my money on myself because I would rather buy someone else something because maybe it will make them love me or something. So the real reason that I’m so “mean” or a bitch is because I’m constantly fighting a battle with myself about why I am not loved or showed it by anyone else besides my grandma. It’s also because the smallest comments, body languages, facial expressions to me, and responses to my requests show me if people love me or care about me and I don’t have time to find out that another person can’t love me the way I need it.
Imagine living a life with some emotional and mental abuse along with covering it up by you being an honor roll student, going to the movies and roller skating, knowing that you have all of the potential to do anything you want, live the life that you want and the potential to go anywhere you want to go with the help of a support system of course. Then you have a life of having fun with your family sometimes, feeling loved sometimes to not being able to get out of the new environment that you’re in day in and day out because you can’t leave your house because of no handicapped accessible transportation. After this, you go from that to getting screamed at when you try to take control of your own life or express your feelings for help to being abandoned when it all became too much and neglected along with emotional manipulation by never being taken to see a therapist because your caregiver is afraid of what she was doing in the dark would come to light. Then you go from escaping a life of being mentally abused and mentally and physically neglected by your family to a life in a facility kind of like prison only to get emotionally neglected. What I mean by that is my life is not mine anymore because it belongs to corporate, Rachel, and Brandi and my medical decisions really aren’t mine anymore. My life has become a job needed to be completed perfectly by State regulations or else it becomes detrimental to a person’s license so I’m like a puppet to their livelihood and that’s NOT cool. That isn’t a very rewarding life for me because I can’t make all of the mistakes that are needed to learn because those decisions are being controlled to save other people’s ass. My life is not like a tightrope or balance beam for other people to bond it together with theirs.
I was raised to be in control and taught how to make decisions over my life not to have a warden tell me what is and isn’t acceptable. I learned how to be smart and stand up for myself and I am pretty sure that I didn’t learn how to do this for it to be taken away right before being a real adult and really being able to use it. A lot of times I wonder if I should have continued being emotionally abused and manipulated by my aunt and other people because I would have a way to fight for myself a little more but that’s how I ended up here so it’s like you have to pick your poison.

Published by Jamesha Kirkland