These letters are very personal and dear to my heart, and just about as close to explaining what's going on inside my head as I've ever gotten. The 'characters' writing the letters are based on myself, and my struggles with depression, anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD in particular involves very 'black and white' thinking where things are either good or bad with little middle ground.

Rainbow is my 'up up up' positive self that is always on the go, laughing, talking loudly, being adventurous and impulsive and being in love with life and everything you have to offer. Rainbow is the 'wow she's so happy' type. It is important to note that this on-top-of-the-world, invincible happiness is often short-lived and leads to a big crash after the high. A lot of this is built up from how other people perceive Rainbow and how things are travelling in her life. Rainbow is not often seen around tragedy. 

Rain is my other, sadder self. Not worse self, just sadder. Rain is my self that is insecure, self-doubting. and awfully anxious. She struggles with emotional regulation, often dissociates from reality, and has a very real, very intense fear of abandonment and/or being viewed in a bad light. She is sometimes mildly rainy and sometimes she's thunderstorms. 

Dear Rainbow,

Today, I am throwing blood oranges at the wall

for the pure aim of watching them explode

like I want to. 

And no, I haven't showered yet,

and it's midday.

Today is heavy eyelids,

and being half in and out of reality.

I wish you would come

and take some of the weight off my shoulders.

I am so tired.

Love, Rain.

 

Dear Rain,

Today I am high-

take that how you will.

Today, I am having trouble

understanding you.

I feel like I am standing

on top of a mounting-

every muscle in my legs 

must be burning from the climb,

but I can't feel it.

You're going to be sore tomorrow.

I am having trouble feeling anything at all. 

But it's good.

It's so good.

Love, Rainbow. 

 

These letters are raw, and I feel vulnerable sharing them, but also excited to be sharing part of myself with you all. As always, I encourage feedback. 

Published by Kahlia Tipping