Modern Mamas have to deal with many trying situations. One such situation is when people treat you as if you are weak and vulnerable because there isn't a man or romantic partner in the household. There may even come a time when you will become engaged with people who try to control you through those perceived vulnerabilities under the guise of being a hero.

Enter the narcissist.

 

What is a narcissist anyway?

You can find definitions and descriptions anywhere and everywhere. But basically-in my experience- a narcissist is one strain of human vampire who siphons, steals and accepts your energy. I say accepts, because sometimes we give it away, don't we?

I have known a narcissist for years, and his behavior only gets worse. His modus operandi is control. He will only do so much to try and rope me in, and it's always on his terms. When the score is tallied (because he always keeps score), it's in his favor. If it's a list of "wrongs", he is always the winning loser; if it's a list of "who did more", he is the champion.

How can I win? I can't. And honestly, trying only relinquishes me of more energy. Not only that, I don't want to be involved with anyone I have to beat. Ultimately any gains on my end are temporary because I now understand he will do or say anything to win back any level of what he feels is control.

So how do you handle a narcissist?

Let me pause and stress a narcissist can be a woman. Yes, woman can be just as self-involved and manipulative.

With that being said, I can go on and on about handling interactions with an ego-maniac. But that defeats the purpose. You really can't deal with them, at least on the same level you already relate to them. They are like a misguided GPS-always re-calculating.

Besides, solving a problem at the level it was created never works. That means YOU must rise above your current level of thinking. You can cite a list of wrongs, but ultimately it's you who has to get out of the quagmire. When you stand even a little higher than where you are, you get a better vantage point and a more enlightened sense of self.

So if you are involved with this personality type, stop feeding into their game. Whatever you expect a narcissistic person to give you, give it to yourself. Keep in mind on some level you are also trying to control the behavior of the other person. But you will never win the war for control or respect. And why would you want to participate in a never ending battle?

If the person is someone you can't avoid, like an ex, then take emotion out of the equation. Simple, direct answers will suffice. He or she will try to scare you by withholding or making threats, but don't fold. Fear will keep you locked in a relationship that's draining and frankly unloving.

Cut off the energy supply which feeds the unhealthy exchange.  If that person can provide you with "X", why can't you?

Is there a secret to decoding a narcissist?

There's a secret to a narcissist. She is deadly insecure. Attached to this insecurity is a need to dominate, boast and talk excessively to feel she has masked her secret shame. Control is her food and lifeline. And she will lie, lie, lie and say anything to make a point or gain control EVEN IF what she is saying is in direct opposition to what she has previously said. A narcissist will change the rules to suit her game. Entangling with her only tightens her grip. Understand her AND you, then break free.

 

Happy Freedom!

 

Bridgette

Original Post: modernmamanews.wordpress.com

 

Published by Bridgette B.