3 in 3.  That's how many losses we had in the same number of years.  9, 17, and 6.  Those are the gestational weeks at which the babies passed.  Early or late miscarriages were the same to me - a loss was a loss.  For sure, the 17 week one was the most shocking simply because we went by the whole "it's all good after the 12 week ultrasound" rule.  It wasn't fine apparently and ever since then, I'm hesitant to be overly excited for any friend when she announces her pregnancy. A part of me is still worried that what happened to me can very well happen to someone else and I remember the devastation, the shock, the absolute disbelief.  I have reservations and it's something I know I'll carry with me forever.

        The month of October is Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month and it's a time to discuss the stories, the losses, and the grief. For myself, I can be in a mindset where I can discuss what happened very matter of factly and be in a scientific frame of mind about it. It's almost like turning on a robot mode.  I know it's a defense mechanism much like when I say that I'm 3 for 6 so I'm shooting 0.500 which means I'm an All-Star, but my humour merely is a front for all the pain that the miscarriages caused.  I can also share my experiences with friends and by the third sentence, find my voice already cracking and a tear threatening on the brim of my lower lid. I know people say that time heals all wounds, but for me, I'm not sure it will.   Even though I now have the prettiest sweetest Rainbow Baby in Baby C, I still wonder about the other babies. 

          Having gone through losses now, I find that I truly, deeply, and wholeheartedly empathize with my friends who have gone through the same.  When hearing their stories, I'm immediately brought back to that place. It's different for a husband to feel a loss with his wife.  He can try and I know he feels a deep sadness too, but it's different to have someone growing IN you and WITH you and then suddenly...they're not.  It's pure emptiness. Denial.  Constantly wondering if it was something that you did or could've done better. It's finally realizing that it wouldn't have made a difference. It is what it is and we have to move on.  Time to move on and heal.

          For all my friends and followers who have been through this, I know.   I truly do and I have all of you in my heart and on my mind.  I've been sending prayers.  I've been making little wishes for you. I know there's always a little something missing.   Hope shouldn't be what's lost though.   I know.  Always hold onto hope.  It's what got me through the day.

Published by Hip Teacher Mama -