You told me that you were trying to figure out for yourself if I was a good person

and I don’t really blame you for that because most of the time 

I don’t even think I’m a good person

and who am I kidding, I never think I’m a good person

I known I’m not a good person

but when you said it I felt like my existence had been stripped down to nothing

you said that if I hadn’t learned to be a good person in twenty four years then I 

would never learn and what scares the fucking bejeezus out of me is that you are 

probably right 

but for you I want to be a good person

for you and for me

I don’t know which is more important anymore but lately I’m thinking that it’s you

that’s more important

even though people say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else 

and other boring cliches like that

I tried that before and it took all my love out of you and poured it into me

and if I had to choose one, I would choose to love you first

so I’m not sure if that puts me on the right path to becoming a good person

and I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t 

but I broke your heart in such a recycled cardboard box kind of way, 

something typical and unoriginal and entirely predictable

and I can’t really wrap my head around why it took me until this precise point in time

for the fog to clear its way out of my brain and shed light on the fact 

that there is only you 

there has only ever been and ever will be you   

but some synapse misfired time and time again so that the message never

quite reached the important parts of my brain

that sort through the important and unimportant things

which is why I am afraid you got lumped in with the junk mail 

and neglected until it was too late and I did something bad

like neglected a very important credit card bill 

but then the damage was done and my credit score is garbage and I have let you in

on the secret that I am actually not a good person at all

but a wolf in sheep's clothing doing my best to be a sheep 

so that I might fool even myself into believing that I am a sheep

because you are the king of the sheep and I want nothing more than to be your little 

sheep lover, sweet as a lamb 

but every now and then the darkness takes over and I forget that I loath the wolf within 

and she breaks out to remind me, hey, you hate yourself

and this is why

anyway, i just hope that some day i can be as good as you are

or at least fool you into believing that i am 

because if you think that i am it probably means that i am

because of the fact there there only ever was and only ever will be you 

pure and perfect 

and because that is just how good you are

Published by Alison Howe