Growing up with emotional abusive parents I was early introduced to fear and shame. If I disagreed with them they would literally shun me and tell me I was no longer their son until I agreed with them. It could be something small like a difference in opinion on where to park our car, or what to watch for movie night to something as big as choose of education and career.

Being saved gave me the courage I needed to confront them and to understand how wrong it was, what they had exposed me to. But it did not guarantee a solution to the problem. When I confronted them, I told them I forgave them but they had to own up and accept they had failed as parents for me to be able to trust them again. They got really angry at me, and told me they had never done anything wrong and I was running around telling lies about them.

I had no choice then but to cut all contact with them, I could not expose myself to further abuse anymore. Being saved, and married, gave me the way out of years of emotional abuse. It gave me an exit from years filled with fear and shame and for the first time I felt free. I was free from their condemnation, shame and fear.

Since I broke of all contact with my parents they have tried to contact me several times. I always remind them I have forgiven them, but I can not and will not have anything to do with them as long as they are unable to own up and admit to what they have done to me. So far they have always denied everything, called me a liar and told me I am no longer their son.

In a perfect world, without any sin, they would have had no problem admitting to what they have done to me. In a perfect world, without any sin, they would have repented and I would have been able to trust them again and resumed contact. But as we all know, the world is far from perfect.

I am free from the emotional abuse, I am free from being told I will never amount to anything. I am free from being shunned every time I disagree, I am free from being manipulated and told my father almost died because I did not answer the phone when he called me. (Its a long story, but my father used to blame me for giving him heart problems if I did not answer the phone every time he called me. Several times he has almost died because I did not answer the phone. Looking back I understand he struggles with anxiety, and I see how he had panic attacks when I was unable to talk to him on the phone. But he used to tell me it was my fault for almost giving him a heart attack. Living with that guilt for so many years was a terrible existence.)

But even though I am free from the emotional abuse I am sometimes struggling with the wounds.

For a long time I have had unexplained panic attacks, coupled with a strong sense of feeling condemned and guilty if an unknown or hidden phone number tried to call me. I know Romans 8 says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. And yes I have heard preachers telling me that when you feel guilty or condemned I should confess “I am the righteousness of Christ Jesus and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. But for some reason I never understood that never helped.

The reason why it did not help me was a lack of trust.

I trusted the Bible, I trusted Gods word and I still do. But when I tried to confess scripture my trust was focused on the words I was saying and not on Jesus dying for me. I had the wrong object of faith, and that is why it did not help me.

Yesterday it happened again, I had two missed calls from a hidden number. And I had two missed calls from somebody I do not know. When this happened I was overwhelmed with a strong sense of fear, guilt and condemnation. But this time I chose to focus my trust on Jesus dying for me and nothing else.

What happened next was interesting. First I got really calm and then I felt disconnected from my feelings of judgment, condemnation and fear. The emotions of judgement, fear and condemnation was still there. But suddenly they where no longer connected to me. And then they suddenly vanished and went away.

Suddenly I found myself thinking there was no logical reason for me having those emotions when I have missed calls from unknown or hidden numbers on my phone. I have always believed those emotions originated in a fear of collection agencies, but suddenly I knew I am not that kind of guy that gets scared and paralyzed because a collection agency calls me. They cant harm me through the phone. And then I suddenly knew those emotions where connected to my parents and my childhood. And I remembered Rev 12:11, victory comes only when I choose to believe, choose to trust that Jesus died for me.

Right now, today – we do not have enough money to make it to our next paycheck in 14 days from now. We had to use a large sum of our last paycheck to pay the ministry bills for this ministry. Normally I would be panicking by now, worrying and stressing. I would normally be filled with fear, stress and that sense of “I am no good, I dont amount to anything and I cant even manage our own finances”.

But now something is different, now I have a deep sense of trust in Jesus dying for me and because of this I have victory over all such emotions of fear and worrying, even when it comes to things like financial issues.

As you know our financial situation is not easy, our past sins from years ago are still causing consequences for us. And we are still battling financial debt. But years of worrying, stress, fear and anxiety is replaced by a deep sense of trust.

In the natural, we still do not have enough money to make it to our next paycheck. We still owe money for the ministry, we have taken as much as we can from our own personal money. We still have debt, and we still dont know how we will become debt free or when. But we are not worried, we are not stressed out, we are running around fearful trying to impress the Lord by our tithing and sowing of financial gifts. Instead we are resting in trust, trust in Him and what He has done for us.

And then we experience things like Him encouraging us to check our online banking and how much money we have left. And when we do, we hear Him telling us how to budget that money and then suddenly we see the solution. Not a solution that will take us all the way into our next paycheck, but a solution that tells us we are secure for one week.

This is how the Lord works, He gives us small pieces of information sometimes instead of telling us the big picture. Why? Because it compels us to trust Him more. If He says just a little bit of what is going to happen, if we trust Him, we get the rest of the picture by choosing to trust Him for what we dont know yet, the things He has not yet revealed to us.

All of this can be your reality as well, you only have to trust that Jesus died for your sins and keep on trusting that He died for your sins, no matter what happens in your life.

Published by Apostle Ernie apostleernie@outlook.com