Editor's note: Don't take this too serious, please. One thing that makes this life so intriguing is that nothing truly makes sense and that hardly a thing really matters. My words are but an echoing of my own fruitless thoughts trying to make some kind of sense. They're not meant to teach, only to be heard. Tell me about your views for I will gladly hear someone else to distract from my own voice.

 

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As my mother and I entered the so called "playroom" of my soon to be kindergarten, I sat at one of the tables waiting for the teachers to start their presentation. Surely enough,  all the kids and parents gathered in the room.  "Oh look, a free chair, why don't you just sit there, dear?", I heard from behind me and before I could turn around, a little boy sat down next to me. We looked at each other but said no word. After the introduction was done, kids were asked to walk outside in pairs to see the playground whilst parents would stay back for coffee and cake. "Why don't you two go together?" my mother asked the boy and I.

 

And that is how I met my first soulmate.


It's strange really. How it works with certain people that you meet in your life and how it doesn't. Some you meet and you easily get along with, paving the way to great friendship. Others you dislike right off the bat without them ever having done anything wrong. This of course works both ways. And, honestly, most of the times no one can really explain why. If you ask me why I am friends with some people all I will mutter is things like 'they're funny' or 'they like the same stuff that I do'. But that cannot really be all there is, right? Ridiculous to think you are friends with someone for one specific reason, rather than many all huddled up into a pile of flowery camaradery.

 

But what if asked why you dislike someone? All the same you'll either bring up one specific thing they did wrong(maybe on multiple occasions) or you say 'I don't agree with them on xy'. Again, we focus on just a small fracture on what the whole person does to us in terms of feelings. Can it be really explained? Scientifically it'll be said to be culture and the shape of one's features that influence how we feel. Religiously it'll be the difference between what we see as good and evil(for some religions at least). But I really like the idea of energy flow. It might sound stupid, but I am fond of the idea that we all have a matter that makes us visible on a plane that we can't really comprehend. That this is the explanation as to why we hit it off with some people right away - because the energy intertwines. And of course the reason why we hit a brick wall with others, because we polarize. I can't prove this of course, it is but a thought watered with individual memory.

 

As we walked together to the playground just behind the building, it seemed that all kids around us where talking about all kinds of things. Tv shows, figures they find funny, food. But the boy and I did not exchange a word. As everyone scattered on the playgrounds to slide down the slide, swing on the swing and crawl up the walls, we headed for the monkey bars. We did so without exchanging words and just commenced climbing up and down and jumping for what felt like quite a while. As the time passed it was clear no words were necessary. We just got along quite well as it were. Soon enough, the boy broke the silence and suggested we venture into the more secluded part of the ground, hidden beneath some trees and bushes and see if anything interesting is there. "Sure", I said without a second of hesitation. And so we ventured together into the the 'woods'.

 

And as our first adventure commenced, it paved the way into about 14 years of kinship the likes of which I will probably never feel again. There's something about growing up with a childhood friend that is unique in itself. They grow up like you but have their own family and life to look into, but you just establish to always be on good terms with each other. And it's not set by social standards or expectancy, but simply because it made sense when you were kids. And that's coming from a time when hardly anything made sense if you think about it.

 

I would love to make this a blog about how amazing my soulmate is and how we're still meeting for a beer or two every other day. But life is a mess and sadly he passed away in a car accident when we were both 16 years old. It was tragic and still is. And really, I have just been able to talk about it for about two years, close to a decade from when it happened.

 

The air was humid, that day. I hated it, I clearly remember. At 16 years old, I gathered from many a people my age,that sunlight and warmth was bad and that black clothing and a passive attitude will get me far in life. My soulmate and me were on a way somewhere I actually cannot remember. His mom was driving us. We were talking casually about things that do not really matter. His now ex-girlfriend, my presentation the week after next and ultimately dinner plans as I would stay with his family that night. I suggested dessert in the form of ice-cream. He agreed saying that chocolate ice-cream was the best course of action. "We could get those boxes of ice-cream where you have a line of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry", I suggested to which he just countered with "I don't like strawberries".

 

Then an impact. A car crashed into ours. Darkness followed. When I awoke from a terrible dream, it became clear that the world I knew until now was gone. My friend was to never be again. Just like that.

 

Leaving my 16 year old me behind, we skip time towards my 21 year old self. I decided the only way to feel like a person again was a complete change of place. After successfully applying for a degree in film(my first soulmate's passion) I moved from  Germany to Scotland and started completely anew. Then, during second year, I meet this person. We met through a play that we're both cast in. It's group banter we endulge in mostly, but as time passed we got to talking more. Then, just like that it happens: We talk in a cafe, then go to hers, watch one of my favourite films, talk some more and I sleep on her couch(in a weird position) only to high-tail it out of the flat before anyone would notice. Magic stuff. Long story short, I found another soulmate.

 

And yeah, I think there's more than one soulmate to find for each person in this life. Otherwise it'd be no fun. Billions of people in this world. Meeting only one that can work that well with you and speak your language is a chance encounter and honestly would be truly stupid. So maybe there is many a people that share your vibe and they all can be close to you in a way that would make them understand even your silence. Sounds wonderful, right?

 

Now my second soulmate is so different to my first one and I love these little things. For one, I'm sure she wouldn't agree on us being soulmates in the first place. Our platonic kinship was built on a sense of safety with each other, meaning we could talk about anything. It was founded on a similar view on life and the idea that when alone with each other, one could just feel comfortable and lay off that tedious mask we forcibly wear and the cramped feeling of always having to be on good behaviour. It was just cosy. That's the best word to describe.

 

Now with my first soulmate it was about always being up and about, discovering what yet had to be discovered, doing things we were specifically told not to do with untarnished determination. We weren't scared of anything if it was the two of us and though we never really talked about deep stuff, we just understood how it was without words. We'd be silent together for a while, but then realise that it wouldn't help anyway, so we'd be off to get into trouble. The trouble of course getting edgier the older we got. Truly glorious days.

 

But talking is medicine I discovered along with my second soulmate. And talking can become so addictive when you truly discover it first. Being able to say things that sound crazy or pathetic(or both) to someone else, without judgment is such good bliss. We'd end up seeing each other every day for quite a while but - as some people say - too much of the good stuff will turn out to be not good at all. When she moved away, I became pathetic. Demanded attention everyday like a little spoilt child and drove her to the point of breaking up contact. A bad ending I'm sure and of course it came with a sense of loss that people don't really recover from.

 

Losing a person - whether it be through death or a fight - is always a terrible experience. And there is a different kind of sadness attached really. For losing a person to death leaves your memory of them stuck at a certain age whilst you slowly wither away into such a different person. But losing them through a fight means they will also be growing up along with you to the point that you might meet someday in the future again unable to recognise each other because of the time passed and the things changed. A very horrid thought to someday see someone I was so close to, walk past me with indifference. My second soulmate and I only where close for maybe about a year, but our 'break-up' has given me many a restless nights and it will in the future. As Virgina Wolf said in 'The Voyage Out': "...that they had parted forever, and the knowledge filled them with far greater depression than the length of their acquaintance seemed to justify".

 

Surely the question there is, where either of them really my soulmates? And if so, why would we not be part of each other's life anymore? Wouldn't you think we'd walk together towards a happy ending of living close to each other, witnessing our achievements and watching our kids grow up together into friends and lover's maybe?

 

Yes, of course, death cannot be helped. And nothing can undo what has been done. Even religiously, no one would dare to say 'he was not your soulmate for he wouldn't have died'. But the terrible thing about humans is, that I used to sometimes have this thought for quite a while before feeling like a monster. It cannot be helped, sadly. The rotten core is part of the machinery.

 

But what of my second one? We had a fight and didn't survive it really. How can you lose a soulmate to something as stupid as this? To be honest, at this part of my life, I do not have an answer that satisfies me. And I don't think I will. Because, surely, I learned a lesson from losing her, but what's the point of learning something you never really asked to know? And additionally at the cost of a person that makes you feel so  comfortable? It's forceful and just not nice. But I think our departure from one another has given the short amount of time we spent together another feeling. Surely now, every single time we met is carved into my brain with a layer of somber sadness. I think of when we laid on the ground talking philosophy and love and I get a warm, nostalgic, but yet deeply sad feeling. I remember fondly how we sat on one suitcase together declaring it a boat(you know, adult activities) and I share a laughter that tastes bittersweet. A constant reminder of what I have lost. And one that always comes to mind when dealing with any person that I meet now.

 

It shed a new light on the aforementioned human machinery and how to deal with it in a way that leaves little to no casualties. It taught me to enjoy small moments, no matter how ridiculous they might be. To take no one for granted, but to not put them on a pedestal that towers my own. To like everyone that likes me and just politely leave the ones alone, that do not.

 

Soulmates are a necessity to figure out where you belong. Within yourself and this world. They mirror a part of yourself as you do in them and reveal something you have not seen before. A new angle to either relish in or to get rid of completely. And I can talk smack all I want, nothing will decimate the fact that I have truly grown through knowing these two soulmates of mine. 

 

I hope there are many more to meet, because otherwise I'd run out of sad stories to tell and that stuff is literally all of the game I have to offer.

Published by Raphael Gies