Wassup!

(By the way fellas this was taken from my blog https://flummmmoxed.wordpress.com)

Well aware it’s been like forever since I last posted… Slight exaggeration there. It was the end of September. But still.
I have a tendency to do that: exaggerate. I like it, it adds to the comedic vibe I carry around with me wherever I go.

Whatever, anyway, back on topic. That’s the funny thing, I always think: right, I’ll write a blog post about this and then get side-tracked and end up talking about every topic under the sun and suddenly a blog post that was supposed to be deep and meaningful is about exaggeration.

And now it’s about my habit of deviation.

Jeez Sam. A n y w a y. Back on track. Yeah, like I said, deep and meaningful. Okay, so I’m not fantastic at talking about certain things – deep things. Okay, after a few cocktails or if someone gives me a glass of wine or two (do not feed me wine), then yeah, I’m a slightly less chained-up book, a few of my padlocks come undone and I might tell you a sob-story or two.

And then wake up in the morning and make a joke out of it. It’s all okay, after all, I’m Sammy, I’m happy. Always. Never not smiling, constantly upbeat.

Obviously, I’m lying. Yeah, I’m not sad all the time but neither am I constantly happy all the time. To be honest, for a long time I’ve thought I could keep that up, that happy-go-lucky personality, only telling people that I’m not okay when I really really have to or under the influence of cocktails and answering the “are you sure you’re okay?” question with a reassuring answer that is total bollocks.

I do this thing, where I can be absolutely bawling my eyes out one minute and the next minute there’s a knock on the door and I’m there, beaming away, chattering ten to the dozen, saying “I’m good thanks, how’re you?!” with all enthusiasm a-go, the only clue to what has just occurred is a slightly blotchy face and wet eyelashes.

Dramatic.

See, that’s the thing, I’m bloody afraid of looking like an attention seeker. I don’t want people to worry, I want to please people. It’s like I don’t even think about it, I just accidentally play pretend, I’m always on auto-pilot. Deep.

And I do, I do feel better once I’m around people – but is that really solving it? Or am I just forcing the lid on a pan that’s about to boil over?  Trying to cram a massive rock into a volcano that’s about to – wow, okay, I need to work on these metaphors but you get the idea.

I wouldn’t have questioned myself or my subconscious methods if I hadn’t confided in people I trust who caught on to my people-pleasing ways and my automatic “I’m all good”.

Wow, There’s a lot of “I, I, I, me, me, me” in this post, even for my massive ego.

Also kinda feel like I’m psychoanalysing myself.

Whatever, I’m having a moment.

Yeah, so, anywayyyy – I’ve had a sort-of epiphany recently. I got pretty upset the other week and I didn’t really know what to do. It was like late night/early morning and everyone was asleep and I’d feel like a twat if I tried to wake people up. Reckon that was probably the most horrible I’ve felt.

So, I spoke out. Instead of saying “yeah, I’m fine” I was honest when someone asked me the next day and I can honestly say that being honest has made me feel so much more supported.

How many times can one say ‘honest’ in one sentence. Damn girl.

But yeah, because I couldn’t contain being a sad miserable cow inside my own head anymore, I did break down on one of my pals, who was nothing but supportive, didn’t think I was attention seeking and said it was about time I started talking about this stuff/admitting to it.

You see, I love my life – so why should I be sad? But I’ve learnt that mental illness and stuff doesn’t much care that you’ve got absolutely fantastic mates, a cracking family, a pretty sexy boyfriend and a career you love – it can affect anyone.

And it’s made me feel so much better, literally my best mate coming round for a cup of tea and a natter made me feel 100% better the next day – I told her what was up, like properly told her and it was fantastic.

But yeah, the main reason for all my ramblings about me me me on this post were basically to say that if you’re feeling sad, don’t push it away and think that your sadness doesn’t matter or that you don’t deserve to be sad – because that’s bollocks, you deserve happiness.

And letting it out, however bloody hard you find it, even just letting your mates know you’re sad – it feels like everyone is helping you carry that weight on your shoulders.

As one of my pals said to me last night: it’s okay to be sad sometimes.

Loads of love to you all,

(well, it’s probably just me reading this, so shoutout to me! Hope you’re good man)

This has been a deep post, I now feel like a wise old owl – do ya feel me? I feel me.

Sam xxxx

Published by Sammy Oliver