I was wandering around the internet for inspiration the other day as I sometimes do when I should be working. Let’s face it, you can only test software for so long before losing your mind because people can’t seem to figure out how to use a Maps application. It is very simple. You put in your desired destination hit “Go” or “Enter” and like witchcraft, you have routes and information and stuff. I know it’s amazing, isn’t it? Although there are pockets of the world population that believe “Home” is a universal point of interest that most Map programs would recognize.  They think that somehow or other the application is going to know exactly where they live and will guide them in the right direction. Most of the time, the response to “Home” is a town in the middle of Eastkadumptruck, Michigan where I am certain no one is looking for, not even Kid Rock.

Sorry for the tangent but I just wanted to give you a taste of my daily world and what lead me to the topic of this week’s blog. I was reflecting on the holiday season and the entire year of 2016. So much has happened, some good, mostly bad but I will be dancing like a drunk bartender at Coyote Ugly at midnight on December 31st. Good riddance to this craptacular episode in the annals of time and as Jay-Z said so eloquently, “On to the Next One.”

There is quite a bit of activity that goes on in my mind and sometimes my overactive imagination goes into hyper drive and I will lie awake at night pondering random thoughts. Please join me as I lead you down the path of possible future annoyances or concerns. Remember, “Enter at your Own Risk.”

Will Starbucks ever run out of special drinks? Believe me, this is an issue. Every holiday season, more and more drinks get added to their already overflowing menu. Due to the seemingly never ending choices available to the general public, invariably I am stuck in the drive thru for hours because Yoga Pants in the CIA issued SUV can’t decide between the Crème Brulee or the Spiced Flat White Latte. Seriously, Starbucks. Haven’t we used all the available flavors known to man? What’s next? The Ooompa Loompa Choco-Orange Frappuccino? The I’m Freezing My Ass off in this 30 Below Weather Caramel Candy Cane Trenta Venti Quad Latte? You get the picture.

Sticking with the holiday theme, is it a requirement that every gift I buy be wrapped like a priceless work of art before presenting it to the recipient? Nobody has time for that, including me! Let’s be real. The people that you buy presents for are just going to rip that priceless wrap job from here to hell and back to get at that Hatchimal, Prada purse, or cashmere sweater so save yourself the heartache. Say no to papercuts, scissor mishaps and creative swearing! Wrapping gifts-so not worth it!

Since we are gearing up for winter and the threat of inclement weather is very real do I need to stock up on eggs, bread and toilet paper since I might not make it to the store? I would love to hear the conversations people have when they see the first snowflake fall from out of the sky or the first raindrop hits the pavement (for my friends who live in desert climates). I imagine those conversations would go something like this; “Hey honey? It looks like it is (insert your choice of weather related calamity here) do you think we should go to the store? I was thinking we are going to need extra toilet paper to insulate the house and eggs and bread so that we can pack on layers of fat since there is no way I will be swimsuit ready until May.” Why not get practical items like bottled water or a shovel or an umbrella? Probably because there is no panic for any of those items and we just enjoy having fisticuffs over Charmin in the middle of Aisle 5.

It has come to my attention over the past few years, that the television season is getting shorter and shorter. This sucks because if I get the flu or something what else am I going to do with all of my free time? I can’t be bothered to pay for Netflix or Hulu or any other pricey streaming service. Have you ever tried watching movies on YouTube? I made the mistake of watching, “My Name is Bruce” the other night and granted it was an incredibly bad movie (in a good way) but the sound quality was like it was filmed on an old flip phone from the early 00’s.  Do these high paid television personalities really need summer and winter breaks? For crying out loud, John Oliver won’t be back until February, most of network television is on hiatus, and all of my favorite cable shows are wrapping up their seasons. With the way it is going we will get approximately 2 months of viewing time in the future. Wouldn’t it be great if jobs in the real world operated like that? Can we make that happen?

The weather has been on my mind for quite some time. I would really love for that entire thing to be sorted out. One day it is 80 degrees, the next day it is below freezing. I really am concerned that I will wake up some day and it will be the new desert where I live or the frozen tundra. This leaves me in a constant state of wardrobe conundrum. Do I wear the bikini or the parka? Trust me, this will keep me awake for hours.

I also worry about Hollywood. If they run out of superheroes, will movies cease to exist? Once we have used up the entire arsenal in Marvel and DC where do we go from there? What happens to Ben Affleck? Will we even care about Chris Hemsworth if there is no Thor? Will Robert Downey, Jr. be forced to get a customer service job with Zappos?  All of these questions need to be answered and now. This could become a crisis situation. So many careers are at stake, we need to know what will happen.

Is the Food Network the place D List actors and actresses go when their careers are dead? What qualifies Hayley Duff to be a chef? No, I didn’t say Hilary Duff although she may be on the network soon with the way her career trajectory has been going. When did Valerie Bertinelli cross over from queen of the Lifetime movies to hosting a baking show with Duff Goldman? What did I miss? Why is Tiffani Amber Thiessen now only known as Tiffani Thiessen since she is the host of her own cooking show? She left White Collar for this gig? Does that mean that in the future we will see blockbusters starring Guy Fieri and Bobby Flay?  I think not!

Who created auto tune? Why does this exist? Can anyone answer this question? Look, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton can’t sing. We didn’t ask them to but yet they did. Perhaps that is why auto tune was invented to give people the illusion that they could stay on pitch. Rihanna does not need to use this device. Can this be stopped?

Should I be caring more about Tony Romo? Is his career over? If it is, do we need a Kickstarter campaign for him to find a new job? Apparently, this is making the Cowboy Nation lose their collective minds. I just want to help.

Panera is now serving clean food. This has me in a state of panic. I love Panera. I especially love their soups and salads. However, if I was eating dirty food prior to this revelation, do I get to sue them? What does clean food mean anyway? I am assuming with health codes if there would have been a violation they would have been shut down. Does this term mean that someone individually scrubs the vegetables one at a time? Ugh. That would be the most tedious job in the world.

Now you know what goes on in my brain. Maybe I am too observant. Who knows? I will probably get answers to some of these questions and then more random thoughts will creep in. It is a vicious cycle. Thank heavens for the internet! We all know that is where the real facts are found. Guess I will be sleeping after all!








Published by Susan Leighton Woman on the Ledge