Have you ever felt like a hundred daggers have just stabbed your heart?

Like the oxygen in the air is somehow not getting into your goddamn lungs?

Like the ground beneath you has just disappeared and all of the things you knew before was just a lie?

Well let me tell you that I feel like all of the above.

Friends.

For me friends are necessary, I don't need much but I need some. Some who will stick up for you and be there when you need them. Who wont talk bad about you behind your back. That's what real friends are.

Now I have to admit I haven't been the nicest person in middle school, but when I came to the new school (the one I am currently attending) I tried so hard to be a better person. To rise above situations and act maturely. For the most part I'd like to think that I have done just that. I thought all the bullying is over once you hit your senior year in high school but I guess I was wrong.

I haven't opened up about my history with bullying on my blog yet... maybe in another post but for now it's about what happened to me this past week.

I found out from a close friend of mine that a group of friends that I used to hangout with suddenly started talking bad about me. Saying ugly despicable names they would never be able to say to my face. My first reaction when I heard this was to act like it doesn't even bother me, even though my heart already ached at the news. After I found out, I still had a period of biology class in school which I had to sit through. Luckily the teacher was absent which allowed me to stay in the bathroom listening to empowering Beyonce songs weeping at the thought of all the mean comments they could possibly say about me. I stayed for about half an hour before I wiped my tears and sat back in class to only stare blankly at my textbook. 

Of course my luck just ran out about then as I was walking out the classroom only to bump into a guy (part of the group of haters). I looked up to him with my red mascara running puffy eyes and said 'pardon me' and he frowned and asked if I was okay. Well, kid obviously I'm not, but I simply nodded and smiled. It didn't take long before the rumor of me crying spread throughout that class. I was approached by many people asking if I was fine, I answered them all saying it was just a stupid rumor. 

The days after that me and my best friend sat alone at lunch for days just thinking of their hateful comments. I think the worst part is that we did absolutley nothing wrong, and yet they still hated us. They were so unaware of how hurtful their comments were, they just continued being 'friendly' to us since they did not know that we know. In the beginning I was silent and cold to each of them, but as time passed my anger also died. I thought it was pointless to be mad at stupid idiotic people. They were just a waste of my tears and emotions. So I made it my mission to dismiss any gnarly thoughts about them and focus on my life and my lovely circle of friends who've stayed loyal to me. 

Now to conclude this - I just wanted to say that no matter what you do in life. No matter how good you are or try to be. You will never be good enough for some people but that doesn't mean you're not good. Don't define yourself from all the hate you receive. Look around you and appreciate those who have stayed by your side through the hard times. Do not ever forget who your real friends are. Stop thinking about the numbers on your friendlist on facebook, it's not real. Real friends don't talk bad about you, they would never do that (not behind your back at least). 

Do me a favor and tell your best friends how much they mean to you. It's nice to remind them once in a while how much you appreciate them. 

Love, 

Joela

 

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Published by Joela Dercon