We seldom realize ourselves falling for someone

until your best friend come up to you and say

“It’s obvious ya know”

But you still can’t admit it.

Because is embarrassing.


Today, I came to realized I fell for someone.

I fell in love with a guy, X.

I surprised myself too.

No one would think that I would fall in love with him.

Not even myself.

But I did.


We were basically like best friends.

Previously, we didn’t talk much.

As I was being really emotional about my ex back then,

I was having mixed feelings.

Of course it was awkward at first.

When we chatted the first time,

His replies were straight-forward.

I didn’t even know what or how to reply.


It was like a plain paper and you are holding onto a pencil trying to draw something,

But then trying not ruin that masterpiece of the art.


We met each other the first time.

We went out for lunch with other friends as well.

There was an empty seat beside X.

I just sat.

We didn’t talk much.

*personally I am a shy person

Also, X was on his phone, reading.

After lunch, we went home our own ways.


Alright…someone got to break the ice first right?

So I texted.

“How was your day?”

X replied.

“Yea, it was great. Sorry for not talking to you just now.”

We continued our conversations.

X invited me for lunch.

I accepted, cause why not right? Is FOOD.


I had no intentions when I went out for lunch with him.

We were still in our school uniforms.

Everyone would go there for lunch.

Not what I would call it a date?

Uniform. Definitely not a date right?

Just having lunch with him like friends.


X was in a boy school.

And I was in a girl school.

At first, X skipped tuition classes,

But would sneak in just to be with me.

Sometimes just to bring me Starbucks or jacket to make sure I was warm

After a while, we go to same

Tuition, every classes

Church, every Sunday



One fine day, he confessed.

He made a video, brought flowers and cards saying

Will. You. Be. My. Girlfriend?

 Seem old-fashioned right? Cards?

But hey, I think is romantic yet adorable.

*LIKE if you think so too*


A weird feeling hit me.

What feeling is this?

I asked myself.

I couldn't even describe that moment.

It was so darn ARGH.

I just can’t.

Talk some sense to me.


Act cool act cool bro.


And no, I was not vulnerable at the moment.



See this is the point where everything didn't make sense anymore.

I told myself that I do not want to fall in love again.

But all these happened out of hand.


Haha, yeah very funny. Just met not long dah fall in love right?

But yeah,


I found love where it wasn't supposed to be.

Right in front of me.

Sings Rihanna – We found love


Moving on,

I was touched but I wasn’t ready to accept him.


These are the things I regret now.

I won’t be able to tell the whole story but,

The main point is.


I was selfish.

I was given the chance to cherish him,

But then there was I,

I couldn’t get over my ex.


I asked myself.

Again and again.

Why did I fall in love so fast.

See what happens now?

I hurt him.

I am the reason he is like this now.

I’m sorry, X. I’m sorry that I hurt you.


It was a chance, that I might never get again.

A once in a lifetime chance.

I never regret meeting him.

I never regret falling in love with him.

But what I regretted was not appreciating him enough.


Why couldn’t I forget that time?

How hard could it be.

I should have look at what’s standing right in front of me.

There’s someone.



That someone, who is willing to accept who I am.

I used to be very depressed about almost everything about myself.

From my appearance, height, etc.

I would cry before I go to bed.

I would eat so much lesser.


For once, I felt “me”.

With him, there was nothing I need to hide.

Nothing I need to change.

I could be me again! YASSS!

I felt like a little kid again.

I was full of life.


But today,

He is no longer mine.


He told me to love myself.

But no matter how hard I try now does not matter anymore.

I just want him back.

But, I have to face reality that he is not coming back anymore.


He is having someone else in his heart. He posted pictures and all.

He belongs to someone else.

It hurt so bad that it felt like millions of knife piercing into my heart.


I talked to some people earlier today,

Common question people would ask,

How are you?

Are you okay?


I blanked out.


I don’t even know how should I answer anymore.

I felt lifeless again.

But I’m trying.

Really trying.


I need to learn not only how to forgive, but also forget and love myself.

I need to learn how to let things go that doesn’t belong to me.

I need to learn how to be alone…for once.

I can’t depend on them forever.

I need to grow up.

I need to face…reality, the truth.


He isn’t coming back anymore.

I have to.

Move on.



Published by Carmen Phuah