A tragedy has befallen on this household; one that rivals unrequited love or betrayal of the heart, or even spilled milk. And with it comes grief that demands to be felt, onerous and, uh…grievous.

Late last night, after exhibiting signs of what can only be described as sudden pregnancy or, as the internet tells me in hindsight, ‘dropsy’, my beloved, my only and true heart, passed into heaven’s embrace. To put it less dramatically and much more simply, my fish died and I was😦

But waaaiiitttt! you cry. Stephanie doesn’t own a fish! Well, my dear hypothetical conversation, you right! This blog has been officially hijacked! You! Look at me! I am the captain now! (Stephanie I don’t understand how to insert a picture so if you could put that guy from Captain Phillips right here that would really make this joke pop)

(She didn’t do it, did she?…rude.)

Anyway, welcome! If you’ve been reading the past entries, you’ll know that Steph has a best friend named Jasmine who is essentially perfect in every way and also a major butthole. But! My own personal story is taking a backseat today as I lock you into the emotional rollercoaster that is my fish’s funeral, and, since Steph is in a heated battle with a demonic sociology essay, it has passed to me to press the button that sends you into screaming terror!

Several things must be noted before I begin:

  1. I don;t know wha tI’m doing
  2. It’s generally frowned upon to burn things on public lakes even though????? water????? everywhere???????….but more on that later
  3. Eating sushi before a memorial service for a fish was a mistake realized too late


I had the suspicion that my betta was swimming on borrowed time yesterday morning when I noticed he had the appearance of having swallowed an entire marble. His belly was so swollen his head was tilting upwards, which is both horrifying and a little hilarious. So I googled his symptoms and when most of the forums I perused said something to the effect of “srry he ded”, I put him in the most comfortable water and prepared for the worst. And at approximately 11pm Mountain Time, my fish, Vladimir Putfin, posed the question: “Hey, what if I laid down at the bottom of the tank and just never moved ever for the rest of eternity?”

Steph and I had a TON of things planned for today, but she’s really great, (like super great) (the greatest) so she was totally down when I proposed we send him off viking-style, meaning we would wrap him in a shroud, put that shroud on a wooden platform, put that wooden platform in some water, and finally, light the wooden platform on fire.

I’m proud to say that we completed 3/4th’s of this goal, due to the fact that we really thought about taking it to a lake but then concluded that people would probably pitch some sort of fit, so we just did it in my backyard. But before that, we went and ate at a Hibachi Grill and had some California rolls, which we just now realized was a bit too soon. But–bygones!

Here are some images documenting our emotional journey, and may I say that my favorite part was after we played Taps on YouTube, Stephanie gave an infinitely better cover of the song with her mouth.


We had many supporters


With grieving of our own:


I said…grieving.


Links to the ceremony in full:


As Stephanie concludes,

Signing off.

In Loving Memory of Vladimir Putfin (2014-2016)

Published by Stephanie Tuttle