I called my Grandmother last Saturday.  It was my Dad's birthday, he would have been 56.  

My Grandmother herself is 85 and she is a pistol.  She still lives on her own and she tells me she is still driving but not at night so much because that is "a little scary".  I can relate.  I prefer daylight myself, I don't like the dark.

I don't call her as often as I should though I do love to talk to her.  I would love to be able to go and see her.  She lives out East in Nova Scotia, I am in Ontario.  I keep promising myself I am going to get out there again, that I need to get out there again because if I don't see her before she potentially leaves us I will never forgive myself.  

She always recognizes my voice on the phone.  I don't know how she does it.  She is kind of a popular lady, she gets calls from all over Canada at any given time.  Someone is always calling Grandma.  She still remembers a lot and it is fun to reminisce at times.  Other times it is sad.  She tells me almost every time how much she misses the way things used to be.  I can completely relate as I too wish that things were the way they used to be.  It brings tears to my eyes every time and every time I try to be cheery for her, if we both get crying who knows we'd get off the phone.

This conversation was a little different then most and I don't want to forget what she told me, hence I feel the need to write about it.  My grandmother said to me "I hope you have a nice life.  I really do.  You deserve it".  This, though a beautiful thing to say, is also slightly ominous to me.  It reminds me of the last conversation I had with my Dad wherein he did warn me he was going to die and I did not listen.  Is this my warning?  My grandmother has always supported me and wished me well but hearing the words "I hope you have a nice life" vibrated through my body like bass through a system. Not only do I feel the need to go and see her even stronger then before but I feel the need to pursue my dreams and live my life.  A great life.  I have suffered enough trauma, abuse, and heartbreak to last a lifetime.  It is time for the love, support, and happiness.  

My Grandma is a very special lady.  She was born in the thirties, one of a set of three.  A sickly child, she was not expected to make it far.  All three of them were put up for adoption and adopted out to separate families.  My grandmother searched almost her entire life for what she thought was her twin.  She did indeed locate her twin in the early 2000's but unfortunately he passed away before they could ever reconnect.  Even though he was gone the silver lining was that we found a whole load of family members that we did not even know we had! We also learned that grandma was not only a twin but a triplet! Up until then we had no idea that there was 3 of them.  

I later learned that the other brother had committed suicide as a young man, most likely due to a broken heart.  I also learned that my great-grandmother (my grandma's biological mom) died in an Insane Asylum.  I don't know when or where but I would love to know.  I would also love to know how far back the Mental Illness goes.  Putting 2 and 2 together I had a bit of an "oh f*ck" moment.  No wonder I am so prone to anxiety, panic, and depression.  And I, like my grandmother was born early and was also very "sickly".  Against the odds we are both here today.  

No matter what my grandma never gave up on both herself and her search.  When I think of her life it makes me happy.  She never let anything stop her.  It reminds me that I can't let anything stop me.  I have to keep going.  I have to keep writing.  Keep trying.  

Deep down I know that life can be amazing and I feel that there is something great out there for me.  I think that there is something great for everyone if you are willing to work towards whatever that greatness may be.  For me it would be to simply love my life.  All parts of it.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  To accept the decisions I have made and the things I cannot change and move on.  I need to stop criticizing myself and just do it, whatever "it" may be.  Let's see where life can lead me.

Thank you Grandma for being one of the thousand loves that resulted in me.  I will have a great life and I hope that no matter where you are you will be watching.  

Here's to beating the odds and loving life.

XO

 

 

 

Published by iDREAM inViNTAGE