It's 3:23 a.m. and I've been sitting here literally just staring at the wall. My mind is so blank I don't even know what to think. I've described feeling emotionally numb, that's how I'm feeling mentally right now. I'm tired but can't sleep. Sad but can't cry. Scared but can't hide and my mind feels filled with shit but can't think. I've been kidnapped, locked inside a room for weeks, and had an easier time sleeping there than where I'm at now. I don't understand why I have to live my life being harassed, threatened, stalked, abused, and everything else while the other person gets to live theirs with a lifelong get out jail free pass? In my last domestic violence relationship, when I pressed charges, actually as soon as I said I wanted to, they were looking for him. He went to jail, and I'm sure he'll think twice before hitting another girl, or anybody at that. Here, oh no! This is this person's second or third charge within the last 4 months, to my knowledge. He even missed his first court date, can't that get you a warrant? He had a warrant, never went to jail and they charges were eventually dropped. Does this make sense to you because I'm confused. This person wanted to kill me at one point. He told me because me being black, he'd get away with it. I don't think I need to state the obvious and let you know he's white. Now I assumed he was playing, but the other day I had a conversation with someone close to him who told me he was texting them about "getting rid of me", not just me though, one other person, different times. I don't understand, what did I do to him that was so bad? They said he was real adamant about me not being who I say I am, along with being on the run. They also mentioned a blog I had written along time ago where I was venting about the abuse I had been going through and said "I'll give some $100 to manhandle him like he does me" & apparently that was putting a hit out on him. Oh okay, don't you think if I was going to put a hit out on someone, first off I wouldn't do it on the internet and secondly It'd cost more than $100? I know a guy charging $15,000, for that I might as well do it myself since if they get caught I'm going to jail too. I remember when he read it and told it and told me the FCC was going to shut me down and they feds were looking for me. Okay, so even if it were true, you thought it'd  be a good idea to try to kill me? I knew he was though, I had a feeling and that's why I was so scared of him. I was so scared I didn't want to sleep, I'd be up 3 or 4 days at a time, just working and writing working and writing. Trying to keep myself busy and my mind off it. When I did sleep, I would wake up screaming and crying. Now I mentioned earlier I was kidnapped, other than that I've been through some shit, and seen even more shit, and nothing has had me THAT scared. I was drugged while working and was raped, I barely remembered anything at first but it seemed every time I slept or as time went by It was coming back to me. I was seeing what happened in my dreams, I felt it, I smelt it, it was horrible. Those nightmares didn't even have me like this. Wanna hear something fucked up, he stole the medicine I was taking while trying to heal from that situation.
    I've said this so many times, and I'm saying it again because I know he's going to read this. If you hate me so much and you want to kill me so bad, just do it already. I'm not hiding, I'm miserable, probably more miserable than you are internally. Why you're destined on making my life a living hell, I'll never know, nor do I care at this point. You aren't perfect, FAR from perfect, you and perfect cant even. be used in the same sentence. You've done a lot more and worse shit to me than I've done in my whole life. Was it worth it? You're mad I called the police when they needed to be called, (AND YOU TOLD ME TO CALL THEM) but it's okay for you call them about false information multiple times? How is it you call them when there was a protection ordered and have information about me. I do not love you anymore, and it feels like a weights been lifted off my shoulders. I'm almost sure when we go to court, you're going to call in your favors, or whatever it is you do, and get away with it, like you do everything else. Must be nice to be white. I didn't think anyone was above the law, especially the person who does the most lying, stealing, &
shit load of other illegal activities I'm not going to put out there, and isn't sorry. You feel no remorse whatsoever. You've got some fucked up karma waiting for you. SMH Your life will continue to be shit until you stop being shit. You're 27, it was time to grow up 14 years ago. Despite what you do to me, you're never going to make me feel your pain, in case that's your reasoning for doing this. I'm secure with myself, I know who I am and I'm not questioning my sexuality. That's why I feel sorry for you, I'm disappointed and a little disgusted with myself but I still love myself. I didn't do anything to deserve the shit you've done, you're dead wrong. You tell yourself lies, you're your own worst enemy, yourself and Crystal. 

Published by ShylahBoss Lee