For most of my life, I’ve struggle to form an actual relationship wit my dad. Yes, even though he is my biological dad and we should already have that magical father-daughter bond, we don’t. It’s not even something I can say we’ve worked on for 19 years now and we are the best of friends. Because that would be a lie.

We have never been the same. Ever. We are in fact the biggest opposites you’ll come across. So for me wanting a relationship with my dad like most of my friends had, I continuously tried to be a different person, one that he would love to hang out with and be proud to call his daughter rather than being the daughter I was which a lot of the time felt like I was a mistake that just became an inconvenience in his life. It may sound harsh, but its honestly how I’ve felt for years.

Before anyone asks, yes, my dad did remarry and have another kid with her. I have my differences with her and being completely honest? I really hoped at some point she would leave him. I always thought that she was the problem with why Dad and I couldn’t have a ‘proper, functioning’ relationship. I have hated her. When I was younger, she used to act as though she was my biological mum and was telling her what to do, how to dress me etc. Which of course did not on any level, sit well with her.

This post has come about because through the means of social media, I discovered that my dad, brother and step-mother were all going on a two week holiday to see her family in Perth. Understand why this got me so upset that I actually wrote half of this in absolute tears and then left it abandoned for two weeks because it still hurt. I wasn’t told by my dad that they were going away, nobody bothered to mention it to me. Dad, nana, poppa, my step-mother, nobody. I am in no way upset about the fact that I didn’t go – because #studentlife I can’t afford it! – but just by simply telling me would have been nice or even an invite. Just something.

But no. I find out by her posting on Facebook about how they are going on a “family holiday” and that “these two are my favourite people”. Which stung a lot because I had been trying to fix and rebuild my relationship with my dad this year. He has now been back in the country for over a week and I haven’t heard a thing… Which from now, I have chosen to adopt the “why should I try to care when you never have” model of thinking because at the end of the day, my father-daughter relationship has left me mentally screwed, unable to believe men are reliable and so many other issues.

 

***Disclaimer: I love my brother completely and he is not the target of this blog post in any way. ***

***Disclaimer: My mom has never once tried to influence me in anyway towards hating or abandoning my dad. She encouraged us to talk etc. and was always there for me when I wasn’t strong enough to say what I wanted to say on my own.***