You can't graduate from self-love, from life's classroom, from learning. It took a real blow for me to realise this.

Now. I’m not a shallow person; I’m very open minded. Which, I guess, is why I was so shocked and taken-back by this realisation.

Usually, I recognise my mistakes and I’m quick to act on them. I’m aware when I’m not being “okay”, and I have a strong will to correct myself if I’m inclined to do something wrong. It’s as if I have a wiser version of myself within myself that schools me like autocorrect. She helps me be kinder and helps me overcome the darkness of the Amateur Me when she is incapable of strength and plummets into the depths of depression. I love this about myself and I’m extremely grateful that I possess this kind of mental agility.

I love that I’m aware I love it too.

 

But with everything else in this world, my Wiser Self isn’t perfect. Sometimes, it can’t see something wrong, or even if it can, sometimes the Amateur Me overwhelms it to the point where I have to dig so, so deep in me to find her again.

That’s the depression and self-doubt. The dark times.

 

And it’s funny because I always thought I was over my insecurities and that I was confident.  I was so sure of myself. I thought I knew better. I know even now, even when I’m in the dumps that I am confident and strong but it’s the realisation that I’m not always so okay with myself, that I can have moments or certain triggers that make me feel different, that change me or simply teach me again that I am always and constantly and definitely but always, always learning.

 

I thought I went over self-love. I practised self-love every morning and night and I reached a point where I loved myself unconditionally. Where I didn't even think about comparing myself to others. But all of a sudden, so extremely suddenly, I was slapped- (how can I stress this enough?)- with an emptiness. It was a tsunami; completely consuming and hurtful. I struggled to muster up the positivity and self-love that felt like it had never been there all along and that I had simply tricked myself into believing that I was happy and loved myself.

But that’s not true.

I had always loved myself. I had always been confident. I had never cared about fitting in. That’s true.

 

But what’s also true is that I’m changing and in doing so, by opening myself up to new situations and experiences and environments, I’m being exploited to tests that challenge me. And now I know I need revision to keep me sharp and going.

 

I knew not being okay was okay, but now I know that I’m always getting to know that.

 

 

(Image: Rainy Season)