All of my life I have had the gift of gab. I have always been one that talks more than I guess some would think I should talk. I had a tendency to repeat things that I shouldn't repeat as a child. I was saying things that I "over heard" from my mother or other adults to other adults. I would tell my mom things my dad said or did and vice versa. Yeah, needless to say, I was always in the midst of something as a child. Then when Social Media came into play and I was in a horrible relationship I would take to Facebook to rant and vent about my so-called boyfriend at that time when he would do something that he had no business doing and why would I go to Facebook and do that because I didn't have anyone that I could bounce my thoughts off of. I didn't feel as if anyone cared enough about me and what I was going through to talk to (now it's totally different). The one person that I wanted to share my life problems with didn't have time and always said "I don't want to hear that" and those words till this day IRRITATES THE FUCK OUT OF ME! In life, there is always supposed to be that one person who you can go to and talk to NO MATTER WHAT! And for me that one person that I wanted it to be was my mother, but due to the way she was raised there were just certain things she would not and still won't discuss with me. "There are just some things a mother and a daughter/child are not supposed to talk about!" is what she tells me and I am so the complete opposite. There is nothing and I do mean NOTHING that my son won't' tell me or talk to me about. He is now 22 years old and honey he comes at me with the craziest conversations and all I can think to myself is "Boy you are so your father's child!" he reminds me of his dad so much back when we were all in high school... 

Now, with all that being said... I am now 40 years of age and a lot about me has changed. I am not that woman that runs to facebook with my issues. I don't go online and rant and rave about EVERYTHING that I go through in life. I am in the midst of trying to do some things for myself. Just because I am disabled doesn't mean that I can't have things going on in my life. I am 40 years of age and I have been abused, raped, lied on, lied to, and used in lies for people to cheat on their men, boyfriends, husbands shit side nigga's whatever the case maybe and I have been blamed for shit that I had no part of. I have had surgery after surgery after GODDAMN surgery. I can't sleep at night for whatever reason so I sleep during the day. I can get a full 24 hours of nonstop sleep and wake up still feeling dog tired! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THE LIFE I LIVE IN THE BODY I AM IN! So it kills me when people try to pass judgment on me when they don't know shit about me or the life I live over here in my quaint little apartment. All they know is what they see me put on facebook or what or what they may hear in the streets and shit that is just like Social Media you can't believe everything you hear in the streets no more than you can believe what you see on Social Media... If you didn't get it from THE HORSES MOUTH shut the fuck up about it! 

This blog isn't my normal kind of blog and I don't normally go off like this but I have spent SIX FUCKING YEARS IN COLLEGE and I have spent a damn ETERNITY (seems like) trying to build up a reputation for myself as the goofy, silly, fun loving, caring, kind and endearing woman that a lot of people know me to, and to have those who you care for and think will have your back NO MATTER WHAT (family included) disrespect you by saying "Oh and don't put that on Facebook" or "Girl don't you trust that they might be trying to set you up." and my favorite one "Girl, when are you gonna stop acting childish and grow up?" 

Quote:

I have always been a childish grown woman and I will always be that way. I am the stupidest and funniest person that anyone of you reading this will EVER meet, and you know the funny part about all of it. I can't help it, I can't change how I am. I wake up some mornings and I wonder and pray to God and ask him why was I made this way, why did he choose me to be disabled and not be able to work and be what I call a GROWN UP... I wanted to be that girl to grow into a mature woman and have a 9 to 5 job. I wanted to spoil my son and give him the best education and the best life ever. I wanted to have a great relationship, a beautiful home, and a nice ass car. BUT...... I have a wonderful apartment, no license because I can't see that well and my anxiety is so bad I would probably wreck if I tried to drive here where I live or anywhere for that matter. I live a bland life of waking up around 1 or 2 in the evening, do the norm that you do when you wake up. I have to stretch for fifteen to twenty minutes before I get out of bed, because I have low potassium issues and a muscle weakness and it causes my body to cramp up while I am asleep so for me not to hurt when I stand up to walk I have to stretch and do "In Bed Yoga". 

No one knows or will ever know what I go through on a daily basis. Living with:

hyperthyroidism

Asthma

Graves

Heart Issues

Depression

Anxiety

and just Blanton BAD NERVES

Insomnia 

And a host of other illnesses and things I go through everyday. So before you PASS JUDGEMENT or make your little snide ass comments "think" try asking a sista how she's doing today. People in this society have gotten so caught up in social media and cell phones, texting and emailing and tweeting and snap chatting they don't know how to pick up the phone and say "Hey girl how are you" or "Hey girl you wanna go grab lunch with me" or "Hey girl I know you don't drive you to want me to come get you to go for a ride or church on Sunday". 

Now let me get one thing straight... BY NO MEANS AM I LOOKING FOR PITTY OR FOR ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME. It is just shocking to me how people have lost their sense of caring for other people. They don't show love or emotion as they use to and when I stop texting or giving shout out to people it's "OH YOU ACTING FUNNY" it's just a sad situation when you are disabled and it's not your fault. You do what you can to make ends meet and to live a semi-normal life and well those who make more than you and have more than you LOOK DOWN ON YOU and in the same breath say "GIRL IF YOU NEED SOMETHING I GOT YOU NAH!" and when that time comes and you need a ride or to borrow a $20 "OH GIRL I HAD TO PAY ..... BILL THIS WEEK AND I TAPPED OUT FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS." and that is the response every single time and people wonder why I stay to myself and only talk to a handful of people. They wonder why when they phone rings its never my number... "I don't DO FAKE!" 

What people need to understand and realize that GOD made us all different. None of us walking this earth are supposed to be the same. We were all meant to have different looks, styles, attitudes, personalities, characteristic's etc. We are all written from a different book and we all have our own purposes and/or reasons for being on this earth and INSTEAD OF worrying about your neighbor and what he or she is doing you should have your face in the Bible trying to figure out what your God-Given passion and/or purpose is on this earth. Take some "Me Time" and just LEARN TO LOVE YOU AS GOD LOVES YOU...."Flaws and All" and stop being so dependent on the next person, your family, THE STATE, your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend. GET YOUR OWN IDENTITY and LIVE.... 

It irritates me when I see individuals walking around here complaining about what they want to do and they are not doing it! GET THE UP AND DO IT... NOTHING IS STOPPING YOU BUT "YOU" 

I have learned so much about myself over these past few years and I am nowhere near the person I used to be. And it's sad that those who are supposed to know me best, Don't!!

 

~SB~