If you haven't already guessed by the title, the inspiration for tonight's blog does indeed come from the song Sucker for Pain by Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, Imagine Dragons, X Ambassadors and other artists. Currently this, plus Heathens from Twenty One Pilots, loops on repeat through my brain waves these days. A great song tends to do that, especially when that song has an underlying sentiment, like an e-mail including an attachment.

I am a pretty content person, I love my life... my family... my friends... and writing. Although I haven't found complete happiness as of yet, contentment is fully charged. Here's the crazy twist though, as much as I hope to one day be fully charged on happiness, the idea of this kinda terrifies me. See, pain and all of the attachments that it comes with is a way I'm used too, hell even comfortable with (unsettling? Yes, I know). Pain is a world I understand and therefore I know how to handle, even live in. Happiness though, it's like Pandora's Box in a way. While I have it in my possession and while it's a beautiful box, opening it shows some concern. Not because it holds a horrible curse within it, but because deep down happiness is an emotion I don't fully understand. Surface happiness is easy, I mastered that long ago, contentment with my life was also fairly simple. Now, finding contentment with myself took a lot longer to grasp ahold of, I did finally reach that point and I'm glad I did. Like I said, I honestly do love my life and am perfectly content with my contentment.

The biggest fear I have with happiness and all of it's attachments is that I will eventually screw up/ fail at trying to live in that world. Past experience has taught me all too well that happiness only sticks around for a period of time, not permanently. Every time I have come face to face with happiness, I've enjoyed it. Downside, every time I begin to feel whole again, whatever attachment happiness came in leaves. And there I am, left with the task of repairing the hole in the center of my ticker. Once bitten, twice shy... yeah, I'm definitely in that shy stage. I find it easier to turn happiness down than to allow it to re-enter.

Pain I understand... Happiness baffles me... I guess I'm just a sucker for pain ;)

"I torture you, take my hand through the flames... I torture you, I'm a slave to your game..."- Imagine Dragons (part of the hook to Sucker for Pain)

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Published by Derra Sabo