So what happened this week? I went to Croatia for five days and it was lovely, the weather was awesome, I remembered how much I loved jumping off shit into water and how nice just floating around in the sea is, aside from all that I read a bit. 

There was this one little line in a book about voices in our heads, the commanding presence of self that we have inside there. The logical mind that forcibly drowns out all the bullshit impulses and feelings. The author talked about just how clear and forceful the voice was in their head and how it had complete command.

That made me think, I've always had an estranged relationship with the voices in my head. At first there were too many, a cacophony of anxiety and fear. Then I devolved into having no voice, just doing impulsive things and filling my time with trivial matters so I never talked to myself.

Last summer I decided to change all that, I remember now all that eastern rubbish about spirituality, it was all meant to be about generating some version of mindfulness where I would get my internal voice back and finally be in control of myself. By removing any social media, music and anything like that I was forced to talk to myself again, to build that voice back up - the prescient spirit in my head that controlled my life. 

I think that's the reason I had a good year, I managed to get that internal control and figure out what I wanted done and went and did it. 

Recently the voice is gone again, impulse reigns supreme and I don't really take time to myself to think anymore, I just get thrown around the day not doing everything I need to do with the clarity of thought.

Life is better when you're more aware, there's probably a number of factors stopping me from getting back there. Nutrition and exercise need working on and I need some quiet time in my day to just sit around and have a chat with the guy in my head and see what's up. 

It won't happen today, but it's something I'm going to focus on, because really it is the linchpin of it all. 

Published by Kevin Li