I was sitting in a restaurant, drinking coffee. I was starving and Anne was already late for 15 minutes, so I viber her. The answer was short – 5 minutes. Of course she was driving, so this short answer is more than enough, since I always lecture her not to be occupied with phone when driving. Those 5 minutes will probably took 10, because she needs to park somewhere. What should I do in the meantime? I could browse Facebook or Instagram, but for the last half of the year I’m trying to wean myself off my smartphone. I could just observe people, because lately I’m quite good on reducing my internet browsing and I don’t want to ruin that. Well if I don’t count every evening when checking for half an hour my Instagram, searching what Kardashian family is doing and sharing some funny pics with friends. Also sometimes, when it’s raining and I am not in a mood to read books on psychoanalysis or to do some Kayla movement exercises, I browse a little. And of course, I am reachable on my mobile phone through several different channels – gmail account, yahoo account, Instagram and other apps, that blinks and whistles in different tones every time someone wants to reach me. However, now that I am in ‘demobilephonisation’ I know exactly which whistle is really important and which is not worth of immediate jump and look for the message. It is true that I can’t just disconnect myself, what if there is an emergency? This contact with special whistle has only few people in my life and if there is an emergency I will know.

The last six months I took off from work, I was thinking a lot, reading, learning, sometimes I just took time for myself, doing nothing, without feeling guilty. And it was not so bad. I have read before, that people should take a year off every now and then, just to reset, to chill. Before I took those six months, I had moments in my life, when I said to myself – that this is enough, that I resist to live like this – putting up so much bullshit at work, all the whining, bad energy, idiotism – I reached my husband and BFF to tell them I am quitting, that I can’t stand another day like this. Both always said, if I think this is best, than I should do this, but I really never knew if this was best. How could I know. Every time, the next day I just said to myself that it was just a moment of weakness. I was pretty much lying to myself and deep down I always knew that those days were actually my enlightenments. But there was always a wind that blew my candle at the end of the tunnel and it was so hard to light it back without a proper match.

Before I did this big step, I had been stressed and over occupied with everything. When I had one hour to myself I always felt down and went asleep. My stress was so normal, that when you would ask me, if I’m under stress I would say no, because it was my normal living. I was in environment full of stress, bad thinking, bad energy, bad practice and you can easily adopt those things when you are exposed for a while. When coworkers reproached me with pessimistic realism, I knew that this person is not me anymore. Before, I was joyful, realistic but optimistic, always looking forward with enthusiasm. Than, at that moment I was hit with the truth of how deep I felt.

I knew that it’s all on me, who I am, what I do and how, who I want to be. I decided to stop, to think, to reset myself. I quitted my past self and awoke my positive self. There is still a battle between those two, but like the Earth did not cool down in a day, no one can reset in a day. I knew that I can’t be just my old me, because of my experiences, my growth and different more critical thinking. But that is ok, everyone needs to grow and some things need to be left behind and some new will come. The most important is to stop for a moment, to evaluate and to compare desired self and real self. If it’s not a match, you definitely need some changes.

When I was watching people around me in the restaurant, I saw how much we changed. Everyone that sat alone, looked like they weren’t alone. They were on their phones, acting like they had a friend next to them. They were not impatient, waiting for someone, because they were satisfied with themselves, alone. All they needed was their mobile phone. Who needs human touch, who needs presence or talk in person?

Thank god, Anne finally came. I gave her a speech, how rude this was, keeping me wait for her for so long in full restaurant but all alone and most of all, hungry. We were fine in next second of course, because friends are important, and we can spend time waiting for them, after all that time is not measured with money, it’s worth much more.  

Published by Jana Soleil