Where would we all be without our mobile phones? Can we even imagine a world without our little slinky, sexy friends? We depend on them for pretty much everything... right?

When we lose them/they die on us/or the dog chews them, it's the end of the world... yes? And we just need another phone. Like five minutes ago.

It's time - consuming and frustrating wading through pages and pages of adverts and references on the internet. Why not ring the friendly help/sales line and speak to someone about it?

Okay... the phone is ringing at the other end. Try not to get too excited.

Okay... the phone is ringing at the other end. Try not to get too excited.

You dial the number, which has at least ten zeros in it. On your tenth attempt it connects.

A friendly message tells you all about the amazing company and just how they can help you buy your dream mobile phone, improve your appearance and make you a better, more worthwhile person in general.

Just ten minutes later and you are invited to :

  • Press 1...  if you're a customer of theirs and would like to become a customer of the other company.( What other company?)
  • Press 2... because, you can't become a customer of the other company. They're merging...right?
  • Press 3... if you know they're merging.
  • Press 4... if you're a not a customer of theirs, but are a customer of one of the other companies.
  • Press 5... if you actually understand any of this.
  • Press 6... to talk to a human being

We're sorry there are no human beings in this new company... choose from these options.

Press 7... to choose your new super phone, deal and tariff.

We're sorry our system won't allow you do that...  please choose from these other options.

  • Press 8... if you'd like to be promised a new phone, with the correct SIM card and a next day delivery.
  • Press 9... if you'd love to wait in all day and have no phone delivered.
  • Press 10... if you'd like to have to ring us again...on a premium rate number, and be kept hanging on , whilst we prat around, check our system to see if your order has even been processed.
  • Press 11... if you'd love to be serenaded by songs such as 'You used to call me on my cell phone.' ( I kid you not!) whilst you wait for what seems to be an eternity.

Let's have a listen to 'You used to call me on my cell phone' for a while.

Okay, now you're at screaming point - let's get on with processing your order. Can you hear me typing away on my computer?

Okay, can you hear me tapping away on my computer. I am a real person and I understand your real needs.

I am a real person and I understand your real needs.

  • Press 12... if you want to be told that your order doesn't appear to have been processed.
  • Press 13... if you would just love to be told that the model of phone that you ordered is now out of stock.
  • Press 14... if you long to hear that they don't know when they are due to get some more of these fabulous models in.
  • Press 15... if you  want them to tell you that they expect some more models of this phone in  3 to 5 days.
  • Press 16... if you really want to be informed that this is the best that their super, rather crappy system will do for you right now.
  • Press 17... if you want to patiently wait for the 5 days and still receive nothing. Not a thing... not a message... apology... nothing at all!
  • Press 18... if you would like to have to ring them on their premium, blood and life sucking number... YET AGAIN! To be informed that they still haven't got any of the damn and blasted phones in.
  • Press 19... if you really want to be told that... no wait... they do have some models in. But, they are for the new customers. In fact they have 319 of this model in. Would you like one?
  • Press 20... if you feel like slapping someone in the face with a wet fish
  • Press 21... if you can't quite believe what you are hearing. They have stock for new suckers,  customers...but for the poor imbeciles that have been gormless enough to sign up with them, they have nothing. NOTHING!
  • Press 22... to hear that again...


Here at the most AMAZING mobile phone company that ever existed - on Earth, we pride ourselves on customer satisfaction. Yes,we know that you have not even taken delivery of your life - changing mobile phone yet,( in fact you may never) but hey, what the hell? we're still going to ask that you give us some feedback. It helps us to provide this kind of service.

  • Press 23... if you'd like to praise us on our amazing customer service.
  • Press 24... to threaten to leave us and go with another well-known company... only you won't be able to take your number with you... why? Because, for reasons known by NO ONE, that number can not be transferred. This new system that has been presumably designed with extra masochism in mind, won't allow that to happen.
  • Press 25... if you know you re stuffed... BIG TIME.
  • Press 26... if you've lost the will to live.
  • Press 27... to be promised yet another phone delivery.
  • Press 28... to ask how you will return the original, crappy, faulty one.
  • Press 29 ... to explain... for the tenth time that they sent a phone that won't take a charge.
  • Press 30... if you're confused as hell.
  • Press 31... if you've had one phone sent to you, that didn't work.
  • Press 32... if you want another one.
  • Press 33... if you've had enough.
  • Press 34... if you understand any of this at all.
  • Press 35... if you want a SIM card that works.
  • Press 36... if you believe in fairies living at the bottom of your garden.
  • Press 37... to tell us that you've actually received a damn phone that b****y well works, but you can't actually use as a phone, as the SIM card belongs to the other company.
  • Press 38... if you'd like to wait some more whilst they promise to mail it out the next day... but don't.
  • Press 39... if you'd like a phone that actually works.
  • Press 40... if you'd like to take part in a quick two-hour survey and give us some feedback on our amazing, professional service.

So, there we have it. Nothing to it and you'll likely get nothing at the end of it.

If you do, it won't work and you'll have to drive half a day, to the nearest retail outlet of the most amazing mobile phone company that ever existed, on Earth. The friendly staff there will listen to your story, laugh like hell  and give you a new phone that works... just like that.

Oh and yeah, those ten easy steps soon became 40.

If you've read to the end of this... well done and thanks. Now go and lie down in a dark room.

This post originally appeared on my blog Write Dorne. If you'd like to visit me sometime for a read of my other work, please click on here.

Thanks again.


Dorne x




Published by Dorne Whale