I decided to swim again today,
To face the waves I’ve been
Wishing to forget for so long
To step further the shore,
And run for the welcoming waters,
In hopes of finding
My only fish in the sea

I decided to do it again
To, once again, feel
The sensation of warm memories
Trying to see through it,
Despite blinding lights
And moist eyeglasses

But, I guess,
It’s not the ocean I’m afraid of,
It’s not water that keeps me
From crossing the shore,
I guess,
It’s going under the water,
And failing to come back up,
It’s drowning,
When your brain suddenly loses directions
Up becomes down
Right becomes wrong
Everything you think you know
Becomes things you never really knew at all
People, you thought loved you,
People, who made promises
Of not leaving,
Are suddenly gone,
And after all the years,
How can someone just not be there?
How can a person carry the guilt
Of leaving
After saying, they will never go?
With promises after promises
They say they will stay.

I decided to swim again,
To know what it’s like to be underwater,
Once again going back to the memories,
I said I’d forget,
But never tried to,
I decided to swim again,
Because I know I’ve been stronger,
I know I’ve been hanging out with pain
Almost everyday
That it’s as if pain is a friend,
Pain is family,
And unlike people,
Pain stays.

I decided to swim again,
And I realized,
I was never afraid of the water,
I was never afraid of the sea,
But I was terrified,
Of crossing oceans for someone,
And seeing them on a boat,
Once again,
Leaving me.

Published by Jamie K.