Being creative is a gift. To be able to paint the world with colour with words is my greatest passion, and I have spent November pouring my heart and soul into a project. Everything around me paused and I entered a race of time, hopping over or dodging challenges I faced along the way. And now I sit here staring at a document consisting of over 50 000 words, with sentences that I have formed and words that I have written.  Every single page has sprung from the imagination of my mind and somehow transferred onto the page. I had a story to be be told, and I gave it the attention it deserved. In silence, it is now waiting for me to edit it, to put the final changes on it. But what comes after that?

I have so many plans for this project, or rather dreams. I have high hopes for the writing I have done. I want it to be good, but the truth is, it probably isnt. Its a messy first draft full of mistakes and plot holes, a bundle of ideas that need to be pulled together to form the story to perfection. Between the start and the finish, the dreaded fear of creating lingers. The worries that you arent good enough, that your writing is nothing compared to others, that you should somehow be better. Perhaps it is a fear of putting your work out there, of letting your heart and soul go and allowing it to slip into the world where it will be vulnerable to critique. I have spent my entire life writing for me, and I still do, but as soon as it leaves my computer screen there are other people involved, and its about to get a lot scarier. This silly little bundle of words I wrote makes sense to me. I love my story, my idea. Its fun and challenging, heartfelt and light. Yet others might not perceive it that way. I think thats why i have been stuck staring at a document without touching it once. Because I know that although I dearly wish to put it out there in the world to see how it will do, there is a risk attached to it. If its a fail, where do I go from there? How do you let go of something you worked so hard on, that you love, because others dont? do you let go of it, or do you hold on and accept it?

I think that no matter what happens, my book will always be my dream. Its a story that means so much to me and brought back my passion. It has given me a voice. As I begin editing now, I hope I find the courage to publish it one way or another. This is the last leg, the last stretch of hard work. The fear of creating has not stopped me so far, and the fear of others opinion will not do so either. I believe that we all have a story to tell and that sometimes we need to take a risk and use that voice. I will see you on the other side, novel. And hopefully I will see some of yours too, fellow nanowrimo participants.

 

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Published by Quelly And Dorian