It feels like a lingering headache. The one where you can take any medication and still feel the pulsing through your eardrums.

It feels like the worst aftertaste after a shot of the cheapest liquor you could possibly buy. The one where you drink to just drink and sickens your body straight down to your core.

It feels like drowning. Only the water is already inside of you and your heart becomes your only life jacket but it’s too torn to stay afloat.

It feels like needles slashing into your skin as it prickles your veins. They dig deeper and deeper no matter how hard you try to stay still.

It feels like looking into a mirror and being disappointed in yourself. Even though you’ve been doing so well for yourself yet cracking a smile would shatter your whole world.

It feels like losing the image of your past when you were truly happy. The kind of happiness you see in a child. The kind you see in a puppy after a playdate with his owner.

It feels like losing your best friend. And every single night you replay the night he left you in your head before your mind could cut the film short. It feels like you lost everything that night despite gaining a new perspective. Except, I never ordered a new prescription.

The world seems bleaker. More gray than anything else. Tomorrow seems daunting. No longer opportunities but challenges to not go absolutely insane.

It feels like the first time in my life that I’ve ever faked smiles to lie to everybody. Even then, I will not get the last laugh.


Published by Luke Lee