Yesterday, the final “The Legend of Tarzan” movie trailer was unleashed to the masses for advertising, entertainment, and in my case…critical judgement.

I have to be honest with you, I was never that hyped about this movie to begin with, but after seeing the final trailer, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I have absolutely zero interest in seeing this film. Let me break it down for you so you don’t have to waste one minute and thirty seconds of your life on over the top theatrical garbage.

The trailer opens with a melodramatic voice-over talking about Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgård) like he’s an urban legend…which okay, I’ll give them that what with the title of the movie and all.

It moves on to Tarzan standing across from a pack…? Herd? Of gorillas with Samuel L. Jackson (I’m still not sure where/how he comes into play) declaring that he was going to fight one of them because “he was my brother once”. Cue over-dramatic, gravity and physics defying leap through the air towards a gorilla that I’m fairly certain is about 3 times bigger than an actual gorilla.


You catch a glimpse of some human-ish characters that look like they either got lost on their way to Mordor or were abandoned by their Mothership.

Another quick flash of Jane (Margot Robbie) being chased through the water by a Hungry Hungry Hippo. I’m assuming Tarzan swoops in and saves the poor damsel in distress, because heaven forbid a woman save herself. Although, she is Tarzan’s wife…so I suppose him saving her could be forgiven.

There’s a quick flash of a stampede charging through a building à la "Jamanji" – why the animals are out of the Congo remains a mystery to me.

There’s a couple of shots of Christoph Waltz generally just standing around doing nothing. I’m under the impression he’s some sort of trader, and most definitely The Bad Guy.

Of course you throw in a gratuitous amount of soaring through the trees on vines and leaping off cliffs and there you have it. The final “Legend of Tarzan” trailer. I’m not particularly jazzed, but if that sounds like your cup of tea, then have at it.

 

Author's note: article also published on thewebgraffiti.com

Published by Jordan Trantham