I have two fairly smart kids. I mean, I don’t see any geniuses coming out of my uterus, but they are totally the next best thing. This is why, I will be BEYOND sad, when they finally figure out my lies. Until then, I will continue to fib, if only to save my sanity.

So, without further ado, here are the top ten lies I tell my kids:

  1. NO, that was just a Caillou (or Max and Ruby or Blues Clues or etc.) COMMERCIAL. It was absolutely NOT the show, how DARE you accuse me of just skipping over your favorite shows. As if.
  2. No, the ice cream is gone. I swear. You finished it yesterday, we’ll have to get some later.
  3. All the water balloons are broken.
  4. We have to run to the store. No, don’t cry, we have to go to Target to get that ice cream and water balloons you wanted.
  5. No, hunny, the “juice” machine at Target is broken, they don’t have any blue juice (slushy) today. The popcorn machine might be broken today too, I haven’t decided.
  6. I know that it just looks like I’m playing on my tablet, but mommy is WORKING.
  7. If you swear, your tongue might fall out. Seriously, I don’t know, it’s possible, PROBABLE even.
  8. Children who fight with each other, go straight to bed. I DON’T GIVE A SH*T IF ITS 9 IN THE MORNING. YOU WILL GO TO BED AND YOU WILL STAY THERE THE WHOLE DAY.
  9. No, we can’t just replace the batteries. I’m 99.9% sure they don’t make batteries for that toy anymore.
  10. Pop (or for you Southern weirdos, soda)  is for adults only. It’s illegal for you to have any, so stop whining.

and one truth….

  1. No, this one really is illegal for you to drink. This is called VODKA and it’s mommy’s medicine. I have to take it or I’m not a good mommy.

What lies do you tell your children? Leave ’em in the comments below!