One of the hardest decisions I had to make wasn’t choosing a dress, it was being confident in the one I had chosen. I had tried on about 4 dresses before I said yes to this one. I adored everything about it. The simplicity of it, the lace, the fitted top and loose bottom that would give me room to dance, the hint of bling my sash gave me, along with the blush pink bow that flowed down the back.

I didn’t cry when I tried it on, I just had this feeling of peace and a big goofy smile plastered on my face. I felt beautiful and like it was perfect for me, perfect for Alona. Eventually we left the store and the dress was on my mind. I went back alone to try it on just to see if my reaction was based off of my emotions or those around me. I was still in love with it. The dress was eventually delivered to my house and I was ESTACTIC! I tried it on and it fit perfectly.

A few months after I had said yes to the dress my weight had dropped significantly. People constantly pointed out how small I had gotten, a doctors appointment had me waiting 6 months to determine whether or not I had an onset of cervical cancer, and stress was just eating away at whatever positivity I attempted to have. Because of my weight loss my dress began to fit loosely and I didn’t believe I would look pretty in it anymore. With all of the beauty I saw in the dress I still didn’t feel confident IN it.

I would watch bridal shows and see how their dresses would fit and I constantly went to try on more dresses in hopes of feeling confident, even though I had this one hanging in my closet. I tried on elaborate dresses in hopes that it would cause me to POP more, but still nothing. I found a dress that I thought was soooo beautiful and made such a big statement I HAD to have it. I called my mom to tell her to come see me in it and when she came she said, “Alona. There will always be beautiful dresses out there, but the one you have shows who you are.” I wasn’t really trying to hear that lol. So I went home, got my dress from the closet, drove back to the bridal store, and tried on both dresses back to back.

The consultant looked at me and said, “This dress is gorgeous, but the dress you already have shows you. You want people to look at you and say wow you look amazing, not wow, that’s a nice dress!” I looked at myself in the beautiful dress once again and admired the large flowers at the bottom, the way it made my waist look slighty bigger, and the reactions it would possible stir up. After putting my dress back on, I stood in the mirror looking at myself. Examining my arms, my waist, thinking of how tiny I looked in it. And then I looked again and I realized it wasn’t the dress. It was me.

It was me becoming insecure about my size. It was me second guessing the beauty Christ makes in ALL shapes and sizes. I was allowing people’s comments to get me down, my previous medical report was in the back of my mind, and here I was trying to make myself feel something that Christ had already given me. Confidence, beauty, and security in who HE created me to be. The dress had nothing to do with what was happening internally, it was just an enhancement of my outer appearance.

“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.””
‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭16:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I wish I could say in that moment I stopped feeling insecure and that I accepted the new size that I now was, but I can’t.The loose fit of my clothes were a constant reminder, insensitive comments were made in a joking fashion from strangers and acquaintances, and I began to weigh myself hoping I’d see a change. I was allowing the beauty I saw in myself to lessen. My Husband, who was my Fiancé at the time, said something to me that still sticks with me now. He said, “Babe, I love you and I wish you could see yourself how I see you. Better yet, I wish you could see yourself how GOD sees you.”

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.”
‭‭Song of Songs‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I honestly wasn’t looking THAT DEEP. After I allowed those words to seep in, I realized my love for who I was as an overall person needed to increase. It wasn’t about the dress, it was about loving myself no matter the changes that occurred. My wedding day came and I didn’t think about how small I was. I didn’t think about not having a big WOW factor to hide myself behind. All I could think about was God’s faithfulness and the promises that were being fulfilled right before my eyes.

I’m writing this blog to say this… There’s nothing wrong with self  improvement. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a smaller or bigger size. However, never let your desire for self improvement become toxic. Never look at yourself in the mirror and feel disgusted or not beautiful. Never make an idol of images you desire to obtain.

Our beauty is so much more than physical appearance, yet it’s important to love ourselves in all aspects. Fall in love with your personality, your dreams, and goals. Fall in love with your smile, your obnoxious laugh, and the color of your skin. Fall in love with your imperfections so much that you wouldn’t feel like yourself without them. Fall in love with the woman GOD created you to be internally and externally.

Ask yourself,
“How does Christ see me?"

God Is Love

Published by Alona Armour