I’m having dreams practically every night, but it doesn’t happen so often that there would be an actual story, meaning beginning, some plot or action and ending. It’s more like an intro to some other world, where things are different but it comes to me naturally and if I realize that I’m actually dreaming, I can change the dream, make a decision and give it an actual story, make things happen.

This discovery (yeah, I know, it’s pretty big) lead me to this idea:

Are our decisions about future supposed to be stories?

Isn’t it supposed to be just a path, a way through our life and the stories – those with happy endings would come to us if we stay in the right direction, and of course, if we make a wrong step, there might be a sad, or bad story, but just to remind us what is the right way?

I mean – when people are asking about all those future decisions – like what you wanna be when you grow up, shouldn’t they ask rather questions like: how you wanna live? Because it’s hard to make a decision about your future if you don’t know what’s gonna form you, but you can make the decision about how you wanna live – make a statement to form yourself, the person who you are, and this will modify your choices and eventually bring the stories to you – the actual accomplishment and victories, fights, happiness or sadness, your career, your relatioship?

Practically – I never knew what to answer to these ‘future questions’ – but I’ve always said – I wanna be happy, I don’t need much money, as long as I have all the basic things I need, I don’t need a big house or a car, but I wanna be happy, calm, without stress.

(Tim Ferris wouldn’t agree with me, buy I don’t think his 4 hour workweek is an instant recipe for happiness)

Explanation in an example:

You can’t make a decision to find a boyfriend, marry him, have two babies and live happily ever after. Regardless you would make this decision also for another person you don’t know yet, you also don’t know what’s gonna happen in next few years.

So you have two options:

Either you can spend all the time chasing this dream about happiness, or you can actually choose to be happy now, do whatever makes you feel good and then, this story will eventually happen. No one wants to just get into a story of another person to become it’s part and play his role.

But when you finally meet someone, you can choose with him who you wanna be together and let other things come to you.

And that’s the point – I think I’ve lost my way. I sacrificed myself to job and money and support to my partner and I forgot about myself. I didn’t make any decision based on my selfish feeling, I was all the time thinking about having more money to live, about work to not to screw up anything, about how other people see me and what they expect from me, about getting promoted.

And I have no stories.

Since I came to London, I don’t have really any story, any amazing memory, something I would say loudly and laugh again. Something that would make me think – yes, I had an amazing time and I enjoyed my life there.

So maybe it’s time to change this – to choose another path and make myself happy again.

Published by Ivana Velkova