This is a war, a war I decided I would win, I have silently fought a battle everyday for over twenty years...I will not concede to anorexia. I proudly say that for the last four years I was winning, tragically I am falling into failure, again. In the past, I would not have recognized this and even if I had, I would never have admitted to having an eating disorder. I hid my eating disorder from everyone, I still hide my anorexia from everyone. I often say, "I have already eaten" and when I can't get away from a meal I make myself vomit if I don't believe I should have eaten. Oddly, for me personally it didn't begin as body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia "is a mental disorder characterized by an obsessive preoccupation that some aspect of one's own appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix.1" Initially, I had gone long periods without food as a child and as circumstances got worse I began controlling what I ate so that my younger brother and sister could eat. At times, bringing home my school lunches so they could at least eat something. From a psychological stand point this is when and where the control over what I ate really began. Unwillingly I became inured to the hunger pains and willingly I chose to give my food to my baby brother and sister. I am not sure there is anything worse than listening to small children cry from starvation. I am a rough average of 8.5 years older than them. As time progressed going without food became easier. And I became more controlling over what I ate and when I could eat. By the time I was thirteen, I was full blown anorexic. That is the age that I began eating diet pills, no doze, and abusing my asthma inhaler to soften the effects of crashing. It was also when I began modeling and controlling my weight was necessary. This in when my anorexia went from circumstantial to by choice and body dysmorphia set in deep. For a long time I did keep some amount of balance, I was always thin but not drastically under weight. I stand 5 feet 5 and 1/2 inches barefoot, and I maintained 110 pounds until I had my second daughter at 20 years old. Determined to lose the baby weight I would only eat after completing a nearly impossible number of tasks and exercised to the brink of exhaustion. As a Tae kwon Do instructor in training with my black belt test approaching and the fact that I was co-captain of the Dojang's fighting team, I worked out and practiced over 40 hours a week. I began to suffer physical effects, at times crashing so hard I would lose consciousness and collapse. My denial of my anorexia lead to neurological testing for seizures. And for a  brief time I even played along taking Phenyl Barbital, an anti-seizure medication. The "seizures" as my crashing spells were classified got my driver's license revoked. So, I stopped playing along and literally came unglued on the neurologist and threw the bottle of Phenyl Barbital at him and claimed not to have an "episode" for 2 years before I was given back my driver's license. I found myself pregnant again. After I had my son I literally ate so little and exercised so much that I lost 3-5 pounds a week. This time I took myself down to 95 pounds. I thought I looked great, I know better now...I honestly looked like death walking. Friends, and family were concerned that I had picked up a methamphetamine addiction. No one had the nerve to actually confront me but I knew what they were saying. I just thought they were jealous. I had three kids and lost all the weight and didn't even have one stretch mark. Then I had a car accident and my collar bone was broken immediately followed by a severe bout of pneumonia. It was bad I spent almost three months recovering half of which I was on 2 liters of oxygen. The day I returned to work I weighed 75 pounds. My breasts had evaporated, my hips and ass had disappeared. This was depressing to me, I had maintained a D cup even at 110 pounds. Before I was under weight but, I still had my lady lumps. I looked like a walking skeleton, my appearance was gaunt. The pneumonia had forced me to stop smoking cigarettes, a habit I began at 13 as well. I have always had asthma, now I am severely asthmatic and couldn't smoke cigarettes if you paid me. Not smoking put a few pounds on and I diligently have worked on gaining weight while maintaining a certain level of fitness. I was happy with the results until I visited my doctor and she weighed me. Now I am once again entrenched in my fight against anorexia. Regardless of my appearance that number keeps screaming itself over and over and over to the point I have become disgusted with myself. I helplessly watch myself fall into the same pattern of behavior. And I refuse to lose, I refuse not just for myself but for my daughters who are bombarded with an idea of beauty packaged by Hollywood and the mainstream media...How am I supposed to set an example of self acceptance and teach them to love their own physical form if I can not love my own....



*Dual posted to my personal blog*

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Published by Missey-Jane